Our Trans Journey
BECOMING GRACE
From conception to the present, Grace has been quite influential in shaping who I am as a person these past 18 years or so. She is who made us parents and she’s proven to be a most powerful teacher to both my husband Greg and I.
(to listen to this as a podcast, go here)
Back in November 2004, Greg and I brought a sweet little baby into this world. We named this child of ours Gregory and raised them saying that it was okay to love anyone they want to love, but we didn’t think to raise them saying they can be whoever they want to be in the gender spectrum! Didn’t think to include that in our parental teachings as it was nearly 20 years ago and things were different back then.
Looking back we always saw and knew that Grace wasn’t a typical “boys boy”. She wasn’t aggressive, didn’t jump and tackle. She was sweet and gentle. But that didn’t equate that she was a girl to us. We were okay with her being a gentle soul. Just shy of turning 15, Gregory figured out she was Grace. Prior to that, she’d been in a bit of a funk, depressed, withdrawn, self-loathing… we figured it was just teenage hormones. In retrospect, with the knowledge we have now- we realize it was gender dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria is a state of severe distress or unhappiness caused by feeling that one's gender identity does not match one's sex as registered at birth.
I often mess up the pronouns, quickly fixing them as I do. And I refer to the past as both Gregory and Grace… she WAS Gregory back then, so I forgive and allow myself to refer to her as such. Presently and future wise though, it’s always Grace.
INTUITIVE CONNECTION
Grace is my biggest spiritual teacher. I had my first real undeniably powerful intuitive experience the night she was conceived! I felt the room’s walls line up with a cheering and ushering of spirit. As if all the ancestors were celebrating and welcoming her in. I knew I must’ve gotten pregnant that night. Then at 6 weeks old Grace developed thrush. I saw her white tongue as she was fussing and heard the word “THRUSH” in my head. I thought “How did I know that? Could that be what this was?” and researched it and yes, it’s what it was. I had learned about thrush when I was in massage school 5 years prior, but didn’t otherwise “know” it and definitely couldn’t recall it. But it was plopped into my consciousness via my intuition. I was amazed.
Grace didn’t behave as “regular” children do. But she was our first so we didn’t really recognize that initially... although at just a few months I may have begun to suspect it. I stupidly tried the “cry it out” method with her because I didn’t know what I was doing in regard to childrearing, ignoring my own intuitive impulses because I wasn’t yet confident in them. I did according to what I’d heard in parenting books and blogs. So we tried the cry it out method. It did NOT work for her. She had a persistence unlike anything we knew was possible, beyond what they told was normal and what to expect. It was maddening and awful. She also had a very strong energetic awareness of my company. She’d be asleep soundly in the crib as I walked away… in slow motion over several minutes… but once I stepped through the threshold of the doorway, her head would pop up. She’d feel the pull of our energetic cord stretching and was NOT okay with me leaving! I was like “is this kid psychic or something?” Yes, yes she is! lol I just didn’t know how real that was then!
AUSTISM SPECTRUM
At 2 my sister pointed out to me that Grace wasn’t quite like other kids her age (she’d had three kids ahead of me, so knew what she was talking about), I brought it up to our pediatrician who dismissed it, comforting my fears but they still nagged at me. At a “mommy and me” class that my husband brought her to while I was home nursing our 2nd child, she’d run from the kids gathered saying “no kids!”. She was excellent at sign language as a baby, was fascinated by light switches and fans, obsessed with her cat beanie babies and only played with kids when it was on her terms with her rules. Otherwise, she was content being alone, and sometimes literally just in her own world staring off. She banged her head into the wall when frustrated- we researched it. Some sources said normal, don’t worry- others said it was a red flag. It wasn’t until she was 8 that she got diagnosed as being in the autistic spectrum. (The recognition was brought on by a loving neighbor who was a pediatric OT. She helped us to connect the dots. Low tone, poor handwriting, picky eater, sensory sensitive and hyper focused on specific things). Since Grace was so high functioning, the school assured us she was fine ~ they didn’t wanna pay for special services and we didn’t have an advocate so we let it lie. She really was fine mostly. She was a good student who did what she was told, therefore didn’t make waves and wasn’t an issue for them. The specialists told us it would matter more as she got to the middle school years and social stuff at that point.
By 6th grade Grace seemed like she was struggling enough to warrant she see a therapist. We didn’t know what we were doing, we were trying our best to be supportive parents. It wasn’t totally clear if the therapy helped, but we continued with it semi-regularly for a while. She never had super best friends. She was very much fixed on her video games and books but had an easy going disposition overall. We just felt for her because her world seemed lonely.
As an 8th grader she had confidence and asked girls out, but they blew her off. She ended up w a group of friends that seemed like a fun bunch. The ringleader in that group liked to instigate her though and get her riled up. They also took advantage of her generosity (she often paid for everyone’s lunch w/ her accumulated bday money from off her dresser. I still make angry faces when I hear that jerk’s name😒). We were glad tho that she finally had some friends (we didn’t know she was being taken advantage of until later).
COMING OUT AT 15
In the summer before 9th grade Grace told me “I might be bi” and I said “okay, that just means you like people. That is totally fine!” I had no problem with that. Then a few months later in Nov 2019, Grace came out to us as trans. She later confessed she and one of her friends from that group both had an aha moment about being trans. This child hasn’t come out to their parents as far as we know, or at least not publicly. The two of them severed ties shortly after they bonded and briefly were together. She was so brave and happy to be out – one of the first things she did was buy a pink sweatshirt and a transflag pin which she wore boldly. She soon ended up losing her entire friend group after coming out. She ate lunch alone in the library to avoid them. We were grateful for covid lockdown because then she didn’t have to deal with that burden at least.
This news really felt out of nowhere to us tho back in Nov 2019. I hate to admit, but we did not receive it well. She cried to us and said “I thought you’d be happy for me?” and we said “We just don’t think that this is who you are”. Great parenting moment there. I told her how it wasn’t something I saw her as, how if I had I’d congratulate her for having figured it out, but I really thought she was misguided and that it was misplaced, like she was looking for something to fit the hole of her depression. That she was just depressed and looking for something to feel good about. I asked her “how long have you known this?” and she said “Three days!” We said “I think you need more time, maybe we need to take you to a counselor again”. So we scheduled her to see the therapist she’d been seeing on occasion for that past year or so. That therapist affirmed that yes, Grace is trans because she says so. Checks all the boxes. That wasn’t good enough for us. She referred us to a therapist who focuses on LBGTQIA+ kids. When I reached out to the new therapist, she assured me that she doesn’t talk kids into it. I was worried about her being influenced by a therapist! This was all at the beginning of 2020.
Lockdown soon happened. We were deep in the throes of all this. I’d reached out to my psychic friends and no one gave me an affirmative yes, that this was an absolute for Grace. It still felt grey to all of us. It was so hard and confusing. We tried to educate ourselves on all this. Or rather, tried to find information to support why she wasn’t trans and that it was just a phase. Grace and I had always been close, and this was hard for us. It created a block between us. I asked her why didn’t she just wanna wear girls clothes, did she really need hormones? I did offer a skirt of mine at one point to see if she wanted to try it on. She hugged me in appreciation. It was so hard to entertain this possibility tho.
As time wore on, I got more used to this as being her truth. I saw and felt her bravery in standing up for who she believed she was. I would tell her I was proud of her for holding strong, then she’d challenge me “why can’t I get on meds then?” and I’d back away saying “I can’t yet. Dad isn’t ready”. At some point I remember changing my chat thread with she and her brother from “my beautiful boys” to “my beautiful children”. Moments after I did that, she tore into my room and barreled at me with a huge hug. She felt seen and it was so genuine.
In March of 2021 (about 15 months after she came out) I brought Grace to a gender endocrinologist upon her insistence. They barely spoke with me before they sent us off with hormone blockers. I was so baffled that they didn’t have a big discussion with me. I read what the medicine did and got scared (as it’s permanent and irreversible) so Grace went along with my fears and wishes and didn’t take it out of respect for me. This drug is “spironolactone” which essentially is a testosterone blocker. (She did eventually get on it ultimately).
Meanwhile the therapist supported Grace taking on affirming actions, like buying girl clothes, acting more feminine and having us use her female name. We foolishly argued that if she really wanted us to refer to her as her, she should’ve made more of a stink about it. But the therapist -and Grace- explained that she didn’t insist, because she respected us and felt bad to insist. My husband and I were really processing all of it and concluded that we couldn't think our way through this and that we'd simply have to take it one step at a time. Immediately after this conversation and conclusion (which happened to land on Father's Day 2021) Grace came and and asked for guidance in how to shave her legs. I gave her all the pointers I had, recalling my first time shaving my own legs as a 12 years old.
It was around this time when Grace’s therapist referred us to a pediatrician who focuses on gender affirming care. I made an appointment- and admittedly wasn’t in a huge hurry. A few weeks later we met with Dr Dodson, me and Grace. She spoke with us individually and together. She told me that when boys say they are trans, it’s typically true 90% of the time, unlike girls saying they’re boys, which is a lower %. She basically just said “yeah, this is real”. I was hoping she’d collude with me and agree this was nuts. She didn’t.
ACCEPTANCE
Three days later, mid July 2021 while on vacation, I got the push to reach out to my main mentor and trusted intuitive healer and asked her “is this really real? Is Gregory really a girl?” and she replied that she was getting a yes, and cautioned that it didn’t mean that life would be easier for her once she transitions. I then pulled a card from a new deck that I’d just gotten and the card said “Acceptance” and had a pic of a gender neutral person on it. I bawled.
I’d finally come around and believed it. It took a long time for me to get there. My husband was still a little while off.
He didn’t see this path as making sense- to him it was “nonsense” , “delusional” and “not real”. I saw a parallel between his understanding as the same to his argument against me and my spirituality. He’s said the same things to me about my beliefs and I pointed this out to him (as I’m a Spiritual Intuitive Healer and he’s a skeptic atheist. These worldview and belief differences have definitely created arguments throughout our marriage!). My husband was resistant to agreeing to the meds, but after Grace’s therapist referred us to a family therapist, things shifted. We had a good session with that new therapist and she was able to offer Greg a different way of understanding this perspective. This reasoning somehow allowed him to accept to live and let live for Grace. Initially he wanted to insist Grace wait till she was 18 before she could begin HRT. He softened his approach and by Sept of 2021, two months before her 17th bday, Grace began hormones.
LEGAL NAME CHANGE AND TELLING THE FAMILY
I told both my sister and best friend about Gregory wishing to be Grace right away, and gradually told others along the way. By Nov of 2021 I told the rest of my siblings- but not my dad. I was worried about telling him. My siblings were very accepting and supportive, and they too cautioned me about telling my dad.
Grace figured out Grace would be her name on pretty much day one. She googled “most popular girl names of 2004” and came upon Grace. The “Gr” start is what led her there- plus what an awesome name and intention. By Sept of 2022 we supported Grace in officially changing her name. When she filled out her application she had the option of choosing a middle name. She brought the filled-out application to me and I saw she chose Kathryn as her middle name—as she knew that’s the name I would’ve given her if she was born with female parts. I cried when I saw that, so did she. I was so touched. Once we began addressing her with her female name (summer 2021) I had a hard time, my husband is Greg and she was Gregory since she was born. I liked the three syllables thing… so my own transitional name for her was “Graceory”. It helped ease me into this new name of hers.
In Sept of 2022 I announced Grace was Grace on Facebook and also made a podcast episode about it. I figured I should probably tell my dad at this point, in case he heard about it second hand. He blew me away with his response. He thanked me for my confidence in telling him. He also said he was impressed at how well we were handling it all. When I told him Grace’s fears of “What if Pa doesn’t love me anymore?”, my dad said “of course I still love him!” (he meant her! But we understand). It hasn’t been easy for him, as things just roll off our tongues. He came over one afternoon and greeted my kids as he always does “Hello my boys!.... uh…” It’s okay Pa, we get it. 😊 He’s doing very well, it’s hard for all of us- let alone a 77 year old conservative Catholic deacon!
CLOTHES SHOPPING & BODY IMAGE
Back in like March of 2022 a friend of mine offered to take Grace shopping for girl clothes. I hate shopping first of all, and second of all I have no fashion sense. So Grace went off to the mall with my friend and they got bags of clothes. That night I could hear Grace whistling from my bedroom (top floor) while she was washing her new clothes in the basement. I’d forgotten the joyful sounds Grace used to make when she was little. As she’s on the spectrum, she’d have little sounds and clicks w her mouth that she’d make when she was happy. I hadn’t heard them in YEARS. The whistling moved me to tears. She’s HAPPY. Soon after this she became obsessed with her weight. This is where me being a mom to a daughter all of a sudden was kinda damaging.
I didn’t raise her to be a girl. If I had, I might’ve lessened up on my own self-judgment about my weight or appearance—as moms of daughters become very cognizant of what they are imprinting on young impressionable female minds.
I didn’t think that way raising two boys! Now I suddenly have a daughter and I’m trying to subtly suggest she be more attractive, more feminine. Don’t you want your eyebrows waxed, they’re kinda thick. Why don’t you wear your hair up, it’ll look so pretty. (ugh!!!) So when she began worrying about her weight I gave her unhealthy tips that I’ve lived by as I’ve been programmed by our diet culture! I told her how my friend told me “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” and how if you’re hungry at night, just drink a glass of water and go to bed. She began taking extremes with how many calories she was consuming in a day and I praised her for how thin she was becoming (I wasn’t cognizant that she was in an unhealthy way. It’s hard being female and I commiserated with her!). When at an appointment with the gender doctor, the red flags of anorexia were pointed out to us. The doctor told Grace that her other specialty was eating disorders. She called her out on it and together we made a change. She stepped back from her unhealthy ways and began eating more, and more often, and I hid the scale (which was good for me, too). I am so grateful for the professional’s awareness in this situation. Thank goodness we got ahead of it before it became worse. I apologized to Grace for my own unhealthy ideals that are messed up from my own programming! It’s hard to be a mother of a daughter!
RELIEF, NOT GRIEF
Something that gets assumed and asked to me pretty often when people first learn about me having a transchild is “do you / did you mourn the loss of your son?” I do NOT mourn the loss of Gregory. I mourn that my child suffered. I am so sad that she was a miserable teen who was confused why she was depressed. I am so happy that Gregory figured out herself to be Grace. No grief, but rather relief!
I do not feel like I lost a son at all! She is who she always was!
When looking at old pics, I just imagine long locks and girlie clothes. It’s who she was all along. She was pretty much genderless till age 10 anyway. It was that middle school transition into HS that was the most painful. She really hated herself- or rather her body. She absolutely hated her big, hairy male body. At first she didn’t know it was gender dysphoria… why would she? It wasn’t till she was talking w strangers online about her misery that someone suggested she might be trans, as her symptoms of her misery matched up with gender dysphoria.
So no, I do not mourn Gregory. I celebrate Grace for figuring out she was a she. For having the bravery to stand up to her parents and insist on her truth- even when we felt severely unsure.
I do have another child, a son. So if there were any squeaky chance I’d mourned the loss of a son, it wasn’t a terrible blow because I already have one.
ALLY AND ADVOCATE
Episode 83 of the Spiritual Seekers Podcast
When I first began really absorbing that Grace was trans and it wasn’t a phase, I thought “well I know where this is going. I’m going to become an active advocate, aren’t I?” I didn’t wanna become an advocate, I just wanted to keep humming along in life without having to use extra energy on things.
But I knew deep down I would become one though, because
How can you not fight for your child’s right to happiness?!
I knew our lives would be forever changed. I now wear my allyship loud and proud! I love sharing that I have a transchild. The world needs shaking up. I’m glad these kids are here now doing just that. I had no idea that the world needed a collective target for their hate tho. That came more recently and here we are- fighting the fight, bringing awareness and demanding that these marginalized kids get represented and defended in our current culture climate of hate. Recently our Board of Ed turned Florida conservative, so I found myself speaking up at their meetings, attempting to educate. I even asked Grace, if you’d had gender identity in the curriculum when you were younger (as this is a point of contention with the conservative bigots), what age would be appropriate? She answered when the kids get the sex and puberty talks, like 5th grade. This is what is happening now in our current curriculum and that is the pushback from the religious minority. I am so glad I can stand up and speak to this topic and educate others on our experience. The difference of a few years is huge in this new culture of LGBTQIA+ acceptance, inclusion, and education. I’m grateful Grace figured this out about herself when she did, but how cool if she could’ve been spared years of discomfort and confusion!
Back before I had any kids, I got my palm read. They said confused—2, maybe 3 kids? I’d only paid for one palm but she picked up my 2nd hand and looked. It was confusing to her. 2 boys and a girl? I’d had other readings after that with similar confusion, people regularly picked up on my having 2 boys and a girl. In the end I realize why- we did have 2 boys and a girl.
TODAY
And now… (June 2023) Grace is living her best life, living as her authentic self. In the spring of 2021 we allowed her to withdraw from HS and soon after she took her HS equivalency test (GED) and began our local community college as a 16 year old that fall. She excelled in college. She graduated with her associates a few short weeks ago with accolades! She got recognized for her excellence in History and received an award and scholarship! She is now 18 and will attend Rutgers in the fall as a transfer junior student. We are so proud of her! She also found love recently, too! Last year she began speaking with someone in Norway and the two of them clicked. By Nov/Dec the two of them were plotting how they can meet in person. Grace planned a trip to Norway upon her college semester completion in May to finally connect in person with her long-distance girlfriend. Her girlfriend is also a trans-girl, at a similar stage in transition. The two of them are like two peas in a pod. To see the smiles, light and love in both their eyes is just the best thing ever. I’m so glad my child is free to be who she is and I’m lucky to call her mine. Thank you for making me a better person Grace, and thank you for allowing me to share your / our story.