Pulling at Roots

I have been feeling the pull to step more into my power. It’s always this way, we grow, get comfortable then feel the push to grow some more. In order to do that, we gotta push past what’s restricting us. Several weeks ago, I felt a root connected to something holding me down. I got the sense that IT felt it was “keeping me safe”. I tugged on this root and pulled it out of the dirt, I saw that it was thick and long and wondered “can I just cut it and NOT dig into where it came from?” Sorry girl, that’s not how this works. So I let the root down knowing I’d be given dribbles of guidance. I prayed for clarity knowing it’d present in due time.

A week or so later, I listened to a “cord-cutting” meditation. I didn’t seek it out, it fell in my lap from a program I’m enrolled in. I thought maybe it’d illuminate something for me as I began the session. I was guided to connect with whatever cords I was feeling still in my field and I noticed three coming from my heart. As I drifted asleep while listening to this, I got an image of an old bonnet- one which I recognized immediately from the first liftetime I’d ever connected with in past life explorations. In that life, it was pioneer colonialism times out west. The first message I ever had of that life was that my husband, even tho departed, was always with me. I knew he died young and I was left at this prairie house of ours without him. Soon after that, me and my husband in THIS life were on vacation in Oregon and took a pic in one of those cut out faces things at tourist spots. It was a pioneer couple. It didn’t strike me till after the trip that this was a healing from that life.

Many years later more details of that life emerged. Apparently my husband died of gunshot wounds, protecting our property. As he was passing away, in an effort to help save him I administered herbal remedies into his wounds. It was hopeless, but he left that life believing my remedies brought him harm. Seeing the cords from my heart in the meditation and seeing the bonnet in my mind’s eye brought me back to this life, knowing there was more unresolved things surfacing.

A few days after the bonnet vision I sat in direct meditation hoping to get more info. Connecting in I got “My work is not safe”. Not only did he leave this Earth at that time feeling I was responsible for his death, but apparently, I DID TOO. I connected in with that past life version of myself and assured her/me that “you did nothing wrong”.  Apparently a thread of that was holding me back from taking this next step with growth on my healer journey- which 100% makes sense! But it was a false belief and it’s okay to let that go and allow it to heal over now.

Whew! As a healer, we have many lifetimes of repression, violence, accusation. This is just the next layer of clearing I can say I have under my belt. I will never be so arrogant or foolish to say that the work is ever done, because truly, it isn’t!

Death, Rebirth, and lots of signs from Spirit

Early in June I recognized that I’d overextended myself. I never considered myself to be a people pleaser nor did I think I was bad with my boundaries, but evidence to the contrary revealed itself! I started out my summer overwhelmed, burned out and with a dysregulated nervous system. I’d seen a homeopath who gave me a remedy that brought all this to the forefront. It course corrected me and its effects aided in me recognizing where I’d overcommitted myself, forcing me to confront needed change. Between the homeopathic remedy and the goddess Kali, it became evident that I’d need to clear my plate in a big way to usher in whatever new energies that needed to take place. It was a transformative summer, one where I was mostly a recluse and in cocoon mode. A metamorphosis… All to rise again, a fresher, better version of myself! Sometimes I wish I was exempt from human suffering, but why be put on this planet as a human if not to get the full human experience? Hope you enjoy listening in! Be sure to check this out in the blog format – or my Instagram - to see all the many accompanying photos that go along with this story! It’s a long one! Hope you enjoy and gain something from reading! Or listen to it on my podcast; Episode 115!

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Back in early June I realized that I had unintentionally overextended and overcommitted my schedule. I felt kinda like the world closed in on me a bit. I had a taxing several weeks and was feeling overwhelmed and tired and did a mental check of the coming week to see when I could take big breath and chill. Soon after I began my mental scan, I quickly realized there was no end in sight to my overbooked schedule for the next two weeks… and at the end of that window my vacation loomed. A vacation that I knew wouldn’t be restful or relaxing. A fun adventure? Yes. Beautiful sights to see and neat nature to explore? Yes. Relaxing? No. Not so much. As the next few weeks unfolded I could feel the burn out and resentment beginning to settle in… I don’t think of myself as a people pleaser, but I’ve come to recognize that maybe I have been??  I am guilty of saying yes because I really care about and want to help people and make them happy. However, I sometimes do so to my own detriment. This truth was settling in as I was becoming aware of the physical toll that overdoing it was taking on my mind, body and spirit. I don’t think I’ve ever fully realized or experienced what a dysregulated nervous system feels like. Lucky me- lol. Now I know!

Usually I’m pretty good about self-care, but it had begun to slip. My acupuncturist moved to California in March and I never filled that void. I typically would go to acupuncture every other week for energy maintenance. I also would regularly be sure to receive Reiki often, once or twice a month. My main Reiki barter friend was on an extended visit to her family out of state… I knew I was feeling spent but couldn’t seem to manage to patch my holes in time… by the time I recognized it, it was more than a smidge too late. I was sinking. I fell into a bad pattern of bringing my phone up to bed with me- something I regularly avoid doing. It sucks to see yourself in a situation where you know better! Where you advise others on how to avoid this… and here you are. . I was even falling prey to road ragers … playing their game and throwing it right back at them. SO out of character for me, but I was just so depleted and had no grounding, and easily got swept up in the energies of others. I kind of just witnessed myself in disbelief! Like “this is not you, girl!”

A friend had reached out to me, wanting to practice a recent training where she integrates restorative yoga and reiki. This offer came “coincidentally” this same week when my burn out had begun to surface. I was so grateful and felt emotional when I walked in, recognizing “Wow, I’m a mess”. While leading the yoga portion of our session, my friend had me repeat after her “I am worthy of rest” and when I did, I surprised myself by getting choked up! She assured me that it was okay for my emotions to surface. During the Reiki aspect of our session, I drifted out and got a vision of me carrying way too much. This vision had me carrying a giant sack above my head and different words coming through, first clients and students, wife, sister, mother, friend, pets, and the house. It was just all the responsibilies and all the relationships that I carry, and it was crushing me. In the vision, the weight was so heavy that my feet sank to my knees into the Earth below. Holding it up with so much pain and tension. Quite the hearty vision!

I’d been dealing with left shoulder pain for a while at this point. This pain really lit up and hurt so much as the energy rushed there, that it woke me up from my vision! This connection between my vision of over-carrying + arm pain lighting up really helped me to pin the pain in my shoulder to my lack of balance and me over-giving and not receiving enough. I’d been getting PT for my left arm for almost a year at this point, peeling back the layers of what the origination was. Mom grief and past life healing was tied up in there, but it still persisted and I was perplexed why it hadn’t gone away yet. *I speak about my left shoulder issue in podcast episode 106.

This realization was the missing piece regarding my shoulder issue. I became aware that I needed to buttress up my boundaries. I told my BFF about my “carrying it all” vision and she said it sounded like a character in the movie Encanto who is carrying too much and people pleasing. I hadn’t seen it, so didn’t know. But after returning from vacation I finally got to watch the movie and cried during that part because it really was so spot on! Her line is “I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service… who am I if I can’t carry it all?” Whoa, do I really believe that about myself??!

So, I started out my vacation feeling extremely burnt out and bitter. Spent. So bone tired exhausted. Resentful of the people and situations that unknowingly/unintentionally took advantage of me. I was in need of a major break, but knew that this vacation was hardly a break because it required constant movement and planning. I’m always the planner, taking on full responsibility for it all. I complained to my husband about how me being so bossy can backfire!! He agrees and shrugs as he sees me going down in flames, asking how he can help. He is supportive and kind and takes action as I delegate- but it’s up to me to delegate. Sigh.

We made it to day 1 of our vacation as prepared as can be. I felt emotional on the plane, like “finally, we made it to this point!” I’m not someone who can sleep on a plane, tho… so we arrive in San Francisco, totally tired and almost immediately have to get on the road for another 3 hours of traveling to our first destination up the coast. I wished we could just stay put and ditch our other plans because I was so tired but relented to our schedule. We got a meal and some coffee, and off we went. I volunteered to drive the first 90 mins or so, as I knew when it came to mountain driving later on, I’d be recruiting my husband! My husband and son have no trouble sleeping in the car, they both pass out immediately and I just focus on the task at hand. We eventually arrived at our B&B, Joshua Grindle Inn in Mendocino, just as the sun set. Sunset was our goal because we didn’t wanna drive tight and scary coast roads in the dark! We threw down our bags, then hopped in the car to drive down closer to the edge of the coast for sunset. It felt magical and very much aligned. These experiences are why we travel!  It was gorgeous and perfect.

Soon after we went to bed - I was so jacked up and had a hard time falling asleep. I awoke earlier than both my guys and laid awake saying to myself I’d regret this because I knew how tired I was, I was just unable to relax enough to sleep. It sucked! I could tell then that my nervous system was like short-circuiting, I didn’t know quite what to do. All my tips and tricks I offer to others were falling flat for myself (i.e. breathing exercises, prayer, meditation).

Later that morning after breakfast, we walked around the downtown and I got the first of many Raven visits. They were SO BIG, just flying and walking around along the edge of the downtown area. I know Raven is a witchy sign, connected to Hecate, Queen of Witches. Right after I connected with the ravens in awe, I found one of their feathers right in my path and laughed. I picked it up and took it with me in gratitude. I didn’t fully know it’s meaning, but I soon realized it represented death and rebirth. Here’s a quick explanation of its meaning:

The Raven will show you how to walk into the dark corners of your inner conflicts buried deep within, opening the doors to the deepest power of healing to be within our grasp. Raven is assuring you of the impeding change. He brings with him the ability to bend time and space for the perfect moment at the right time. He signifies rebirth, renewal, reflection and healing. He helps the transitions and transformations move along smoothly by casting light into the darkness. The raven is persistent and will find a way to untangle the knots woven in a lifetime so that inner truths may be revealed.

When you find a black feather, you may be about to embark on a journey that leads you to a dramatic transformation that you weren’t expecting. Black is associated with the Divine feminine and the Yin principle and therefore can be associated with Goddess energy as well as the connection to deities associated with death, rebirth, transformation and the underworld.

Okay, so I may be embarking on a journey that leads me to a dramatic transformation that I wasn’t  expecting… noted.

Soon after this, we checked out of the Bed and Breakfast and ended up visiting a local lighthouse. While there, we tried out our new binoculars we’d bought for the trip. I looked over at my husband Greg using the binoculars, looking at the ocean’s horizon and saw him as a sea captain (I have seen him in that lifetime before, but never so obviously!). He looked so comfortable looking out to sea like that, it was pretty neat and affirming. It was windy and cool over at the lighthouse and both he and I got a slight sunburn on our faces but didn’t realize it till later!

We continued on our trip to our next lodging… it would be another three-hour drive. I drove the first part and was hoping to maybe sleep or doze on the second part of the drive. We arrived at a small town that we knew was our only option for dinner that evening before heading over the mountain to our final beach front destination. (We’d bought some groceries when we first landed the day before, but it wasn’t sufficient for our dinner that night). I knew this small town was gonna be underwhelming, but didn’t realize JUST how lacking it would be. We were all hungry by this point. My husband goes to great efforts to get food in me before I realize I’m hungry because he knows it’ll quickly become HIS problem once I’m hangry. LOL. I couldn’t bear to eat at any of the “fine establishments” (haha read: shit hole dumpy roadside dives) because they all seemed too gross and weird. I am so used to my cushy life in an overcrowded suburbia… I just couldn’t do it. The place we thought we’d eat at had vibes of a DQ from the 1980s mixed with gas station. We ended up at their local grocer’s and had to just grab what we could find, which wasn’t much. Angry, sad, laughing at myself defeated- I ate a gross and overprocessed, oversugared junky sad piece of a pocket pie. My husband and son insisted upon it. They demanded I get SOMETHING in me, even if it was crap since while in my snooty meltdown, I’d denied them the gas station hamburgers they were willing to consume. Hahaha, funny- not funny. All fun and games when we retell it as a story! Less fun in the moment! Lol. Going into this vacation I very accurately stated how I looked forward to the memories of the vacation and the pics from the vacation, but clearly knew the work of this vacation may be exhausting and triggering!

We eventually made it to our destination in Shelter Grove. I was so tired in the second half of that drive, but couldn’t even rest my eyes because of all the hairpin mountain road turns were making me nauseous and dizzy. By the time we arrived I felt spent, but we needed to go get dinner at one of the three restaurants this remote town had to offer (as I’d ruined the dinner option earlier, remember?). Isn’t it the worst when you know you are cranky and toxic and would best be left alone but HAVE to be around others? I try to never be in such a situation, but had no choice essentially. I was so bone deep tired. I was definitely running on fumes and had nothing of substance to offer my husband and 17 year old. Since I’d denied the gas station dinner, we were forced to go to eat at an overpriced brewery/restaurant. To cap off my misery, I didn’t even like my expensive ass dinner. I felt like a brat and just uber crank. I needed sleep ASAP and to be alone.

I fled to bed to take a nap among all this coastal gorgeousness, which I wasn’t appreciating. I had a hard time sleeping bc of the sunburn on my face that I only just realized I’d gotten from the lighthouse visit earlier in the day. I just cried, was exhausted and was wishing for sleep. As sunset approached, my husband came to gather me up so I could go watch it outside with he and Andrew. I really had no desire but didn’t wanna regret it, so pulled myself out of my toxic misery and joined them on the rocks to witness the sunset. I didn’t want my crank ass to ruin the night fully and completely.

I returned back to bed afterward and cried my eyes out and felt crazy. Got so puffy with emotion my ears even popped. I needed a good sleep. While deep in my tears, I got the message from the Goddess Kali to DO LESS for work, that my balance had gotten way off and to prioritize my self-care once again.

Kali is the Hindu goddess of death and rebirth. She expresses the dual nature of the destruction that must come before new beginnings. The old must be released for the new to enter. Let the past go, it’s time to move on! Kali is the embodiment of Mother Nature who cleanses away the old with natural storms and fires to make the ground fertile for new crops and life. She’ll push you beyond your comfort zone to reach the heights of your potential.

She was like practically yelling at me, telling me what I needed to do and what I needed to stop doing. Right then and there I canceled a work-related gathering and got hints of others that I would eventually cancel, too- I also blocked out many days of my summer work calendar so I could rest more. I recognized how my boundaries needed reinforcing. I later decided – while crying like a crazy woman to my kind, patient, supportive and loving husband – that I could not do the Redwoods trip the following day as planned because the roads were just so intense, and that we needed a day to just CHILL. He agreed, said it was our vacation and we can decide what we wanna do. We never take indulgent beachfront or poolside vacations where folks do nothing but luxuriate, but I was seriously pining for one as I was clinging to the edge of the West Coast feeling isolated, overwhelmed and so far away from home, knowing we had days of driving and activity ahead of us.

The next morning, I texted a friend about my little crying breakdown the night before. She was at my house taking care of my pets and said my oracle cards got her attention and she felt compelled to pull a card from my Goddess deck. She pulled the Kali card! It was so on point and totally confirmed what I’d been getting. So, on this 3rd day, instead of having a 2hour+ round trip to the Redwoods over harrowing mountain roads, we chose to dip in the hottub, got shitty California pizza for lunch, drove up to the first mountain peak to see the ocean view we’d quickly glanced at the day before and then visited the (underwhelming, weird and overpriced) local store, followed by takeout dinner from another local restaurant (one of three!), but that was pretty much it.

Later that evening, my son went down to climb on the rocks by the shore, and my husband and I took a short walk. Afterward we were sitting on Adirondack chairs overlooking the ocean, and I took selfie of me with sun behind me. I later noticed in the pic that behind me was a sign that read “Keep Gate Closed”. Another subtle hint from the Goddess. A message about boundaries, on top of the “death and rebirth” messages I’d been getting. When the Universe is dropping hints at us, it’s like we are getting pieces of the puzzle but have no idea what the picture will be or how it’ll make sense, but the messages were definitely redundant and not subtle but LOUD and CLEAR! lol

Soon after my selfie, I did a double take at the reeds by the shore, as I swore I saw Merlin (was a big rock and a sign- looked like his silhouette with the wizard hat, walking with a staff!). A nice reminder to pay attention to the magic. I’d also begun to see 5:55 often.

The number 555 is typically seen as a sign that a person is going to experience positive change, freedom, discovery, and growth. 5 represents change, good luck, transformation, freedom, and personal growth.  tells of significant and necessary changes happening in your life that have been Divinely inspired and guided. It is time to let go of the ‘old’ that is no longer positively serving you. Trust that they will be replaced with ‘better’. Release old doubts, fears and perceived obstacles, and if feeling any fears or confusion. major life changes are taking place in many areas of your life. Trust that these changes are for both your immediate and long-term benefit. The angels ask that you ‘go with the flow. important life changes are upon you and these changes will bring about many positive opportunities for you

Early the next morning, after breakfast at the third of three places to eat in this remote town, we drove to Founders Grove, which is a park of old Redwoods. We traversed the steep and windy mountains, grateful to have not done it twice the day before! The Redwoods were, of course, gorgeous. I also really love ferns, too. The whole place is just giant Redwoods and ferns! We climbed all over the fallen Redwood trees, they are so enormous it’s hard to comprehend. I could live in one and be so happy. It’s gotta be my favorite place on Earth. We later realized there was a rule to NOT climb on the fallen trees! We didn’t know that we weren’t supposed to, and were happy that we were ignorant of that fact prior bc it was SO MUCH FUN. We weren’t deliberately being disrespectful! It explained why other park goers wouldn’t make eye contact with me as I smiled at them from atop a fallen tree (whoops)! The weather was perfection, it was early in the day and not too crowded yet. We had great timing, because as we were leaving droves of people were just arriving. We got out just as the Sunday crowd was taking over! We had another big day of driving, about 4 hours to Sacramento where we were staying overnight along the way to Yosemite.

The ride between there, and also between Sacramento and Yosemite was super weird after a bit—we didn’t realize how remote things can be in California! We are so used to being jammed up in the Northeast! We drove through many miles of empty landscape, it was definitely a little bit unsettling!

Prior to this trip, I suspected that I had a past life in Sacramento, one where I was a madam at a brothel/saloon and worked there with Greg as a barkeep. We walked in the downtown for dinner and the whole area definitely had a familiar vibe. I can’t say I located the actual building, but later that night I looked in the mirror and felt that I saw that version of me looking back at me through the depth of my own eyes. Then as I went off to sleep, I felt guided to go back to the downtown area (astrally) and open up a portal for the lost souls who were in need of crossing over. This has become something I do, especially in the cities and hotels that I visit.

Yosemite was next on our list and we arrived in time to get a quick evening visit to Mariposa Grove with the giant sequoias. That was very special to get to witness in person, their size is hard to wrap your mind around, but when you see people in front of them that you realize JUST how enormous they are! The next morning we got up way early and headed into the park via the Tunnel and parked right there to take in those initial sights. As we got out of the car, there were Ravens greeting us with authority. It felt super special and I got a beautiful pic of one, I know he was posing for me.

I was intimidated by our Yosemite trip because I didn’t feel prepared enough for it, I’d asked my husband and son to please research too but they didn’t heed my pleas. Once through the tunnel I got super confused and had to ditch the plans I’d thought I made… we had to just roll with it (which I do prefer, but with the pressure of a park this big you risk missing things or getting lost, etc). In the end, the one trail we were most looking forward to wasn’t accessible on the days we were there! So we did the best we could with the circumstances we were given – which included extreme triple digit heat! We got up WAY early the next day to do a trail that wasn’t TOO hard or too big of time commitment (Sentinel Dome), we were still pretty hot and tired when we completed it by 10am! We went back to the hotel and started our laundry – outside the laundry room we saw yet another giant Raven and heard him making clicking/knocking sounds which was awesome (I didn’t know they made sounds like that!). If felt like another wink and nod from the Goddess. After we were done with our laundry, Greg and I went to the movies to see Inside Out 2 while Andrew stayed behind to get alone time. It was hard building in “chill time” during such a busy vacation, but I’m glad we were able to somewhat because we definitely were in need.

At one point, leaving the hotel room I spotted a white moth which I made a mental note of. I have a whole story and connection to moth… when I was about 5 years old a moth flew up my nose while sitting around the living room with my family. I reacted loudly and no one believed me. I don’t think I was someone who told tall-tales, but that is how they responded to me. I ended up crying hard about it and ultimately got a bloody nose. My mother came over to me because of my nosebleed and exclaimed “Oh there IS a moth up her nose!” and proceeded to pull the moth out. When receiving healing work from my teachers over the years, this story has come up~ a theme and fear of “not being believed/nobody believes me”. (This is something that is super relevant being married to a skeptic atheist who doesn’t believe in my work—this was a huge issue in the first years of my spiritual awakening. It’s also very likely a stowaway belief from other lifetimes of persecution). Seeing this moth felt like a connection to that aspect of me and my story. Especially with the moth being white.

As a spirit animal, the white moth represents intuition, psychic abilities, and spiritual growth. It can guide you through times of darkness and help you navigate your spiritual journey with grace and ease. Those who have the white moth as their totem animal are often sensitive, intuitive, and deeply connected to the spiritual realm. They have a strong sense of empathy and are natural healers and guides.  The white moth as a power animal brings clarity of mind, emotional healing, and protection from negative energies. It can help you tap into your inner wisdom and access higher levels of consciousness.

We were so done with mountain driving, that our next and final stop of San Francisco was a welcome relief. We are apparently fans of highway driving- it’s familiar. 😊 We chose to stay in the same hotel as our previous trip to SF in November of 2022. That trip had its own magic, you can hear all about it on episode 80 of my podcast! Our trip in 2022 ended with a big fight between me and Greg, and coming back to this hotel felt like a nice resolution to that energy. There was a couple things we didn’t get to see or do the last time, so we got to some of them this time around. We also took a trip down to my aunt’s house. The last time we saw her, she told me about a gift from my Uncle Ron (her brother in law who she witnessed cross over, receiving messages etc) that she wanted to pay forward to me. It’s called a Thangka, which is a Tibetan Buddhist painting on cotton, silk appliqué, usually depicting a Buddhist deity, scene, or mandala. My aunt also hears Spirit and said he told her (from the other side) that he wanted me to have it. It’s a depiction of a dark goddess, Kali like. Something he picked up in Nepal in the late 60s or early 70s. (You can learn about my relationship with my uncle in episode 8!). This figure is a dark goddess and fits right into this summer theme of death and rebirth!

Dark feminine energy represents the fiery, transformational side of femininity that fuels the death and rebirth cycles. The dark feminine represents the aspects of the feminine psyche that have been suppressed and repressed in our society. it is the part of us that is wild, untamed, and unapologetic. It is the part of us that is angry, fierce, seductive, and powerful. It is said to have qualities that are chaotic, destructive, and violent, but also transformational

It is suspected that the deity shown in my Thangka is Machig Labdron. Her message is that We need to bring out shadow into consciousness and access its treasures it holds rather than repressing it. No one and no single situation has the power to derail us. The power rests within us, but we have to make the darkness conscious. We need to shine light on our shadows and work through the fears. “I see the light in my own darkness. I face my ego beliefs to feel free”.

The final morning of our trip, I awoke to several text messages from a neighbor as well as my friend who was taking care of our pets. My favorite backyard tree had fallen the night before, right into our carport. This tree has been super special to me, especially since 2020 when we discovered our backyard! (haha). This Maple was so cozy and comfy, we loved hanging out beneath its shade. Before we left I even drew a heart on the fence where it was (technically on our neighbor’s side of the fence) and filled it in with reiki symbols. I didn’t know it was a final blessing!! To know that we had that to come home to further cemented the death part of the message… And of course added stress to our return!

We arrived home around 11pm that day, walked around the fallen tree in our yard with sadness and shock. Off to bed we went, when we discovered our dog had peed in our bed! We couldn’t rest our weary bodies JUST yet… So I stripped the bed and headed down to start laundry and soon discovered a GIANT beetle on its back right on top of our washer. It startled me, I collected it, and put it into a laundry cup to bring outside. My husband took a look at him and saw his legs still slowly moving! I was like “Dude!! ANOTHER death and rebirth message??” During my very first healing session with my teacher Janet, we connected to a lost magic aspect of myself. Something I’d hidden away a long time ago. While tuning into my heart in that session, I discovered a dead scarab beetle in a jar inside my heart. Upon some digging and Theta healing work, we discovered I’d put away this beetle (who represents magic) in a jar as a way to protect it... but starved it of air then killed it accidentally. We called my magic back to me and popped my scarab beetle back to life and it did a little shuffle and spin dance as it had new life breathed into it again. Such a fun story and session! I couldn’t help but think of that when I found this beetle on my washing machine. (We NEVER get beetles at home, let alone the size of this guy!! It was definitely an out of the ordinary discovery!) When I told my teacher Janet this story of my beetle on the washer and how Greg saw it moving it’s legs, she said “maybe the beetle was dead and came back to life??” Hmmm. 😊

Scarab beetle meaning: Scarab beetle totem is an ancient harbinger of magic and change.  Scarabs are a powerful symbol of new life. Scarabs were symbols of rebirth, resurrection, transformation, and growth. It was also used as a symbol of protection and good fortune. The scarab beetle was also associated with the heart, and scarab beetle amulets were sometimes placed on the heart during mummification to symbolize the heart’s importance in the afterlife. Beetle represents determination and resilience. When Beetle Spirit comes into your life, it’s time for change and transformation, so hold on tight. Beetle can offer you strength and perseverance when you get stuck in figurative mud. 

A few days after my return my vacation I attended the memorial service of a friend’s mother, followed up by meeting a friend’s brand new baby a few days after that. Literal symbolism of the death and rebirth narrative. I kept wondering to myself “What is dying about me? And what is being reborn?” One thing that dawned on me li ke “duh!” was calling out my role as mom. Both my kids are practically adults now—my oldest had an accelerated college path and she’s 2 classes away from getting her Bachelors! She will be 20 in November and plans to move to Norway as soon as she can find a job there, so she can live with her long distance girlfriend. My youngest is starting off his senior year in HS. Who am I if not MOM? I mean, I’ll always be their mom, but the full-time commitment of mom obligations is waning and I am definitely feeling it. I am also sort of adapting to my body, as I can’t drop weight like I’ve had in the past! I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of my kitchen window the other night and it struck me how much I looked like my paternal grandmother! Gotta love my body as it’s changing- and recognizing that my love for myself needs to be unconditional. I never thought it was conditional, but when you feel young, fit and attractive, it’s easy to feel love when you look in the mirror! So this is challenging me in a different way, but I am adapting, accepting and allowing these changes with as much as open heart as I can muster.

I cocooned in these early weeks of summer, fully committing to the Taylor Swift album “Folklore” and just feeling all the feels. Sleeping late, giving myself grace and permission to rest and take it easy. I also eventually decided to remove a few more things off my calendar, unloading some of the weight of what I’d been carrying. It felt good, even if it meant disappointing some folks. I haven’t been stopped by my left arm/shoulder pain since Kali shouted in my tear soaked ears and I began offloading my calendar! So amazing. I love the body/mind connection! But still, I wanted to understand more of what all those messages being shouted at me meant.

Soon after coming home, I set up a session with Janet because I was eager to start peeling back all the layers of what led to my burned out state. She scanned my energy and saw that I was still (unknowingly) carrying so many of my clients and students in my field. She asked why do you feel you need to carry all these people? What’s the purpose? As is required with theta healing, you just answer intuitively before logic steps in. I answered without thought, “It validates my existence!” Whoa. How about no—how about we change that?! And where did that come from? She heard “Because I snuck in”… my soul apparently felt guilty or obligated to justify my existence bc I slipped in as an unplanned pregnancy to my parents! There are stories that we tell ourselves and stories that we sub/unconsciously believe. Identifying and releasing such false narratives opens up space for new and better beliefs to come and take their place! We got the new belief to be “I am divinely meant to be!”

It's been a heck of a summer, from recovering from this crazy burnout that I experienced, to trying to identify all the many aspects of what is dying within me and my business, and what needs to be brought into the new. I still had a lingering belief in there that “I am bad because I connect to Spirit”. I can’t believe somewhere in me I still felt that way! I saw a few weeks into it that the death and rebirth message was pretty universal astrologically, that I wasn’t alone in noticing and experiencing this! We all went through it in our own unique ways, but it was definitely a summer of metamorphosis. I later learned that there was a tough aspect astrologically, specifically hitting Taurus and Scorpio extra hard (I’m a Taurus).It had to do with Mars and Uranus. The message being about breaking free from self imposed limitations while fueling the desire for change. To shed all that’s no longer authentic to our being! How about that?

Back in mid August I wanted to host a Full Moon Circle but wasn’t sure if I was healed enough to hold space for others. I waited to the last minute to decide- I’d felt that the wound/chasm in my energy field finally felt healed enough, like the first layer of skin had finally stretched between both edges and was firm enough to hold others… but barely! I’m glad I hosted it tho, because it gave voice to all gathered our shared common experiences this summer.

I am unsure what is coming, but that cocoon time was vital to create the necessary structure for me to stand strong and face what’s next. All I know is that the Divine Feminine has grown even louder in her support for me, and my understandings of her have deepened. In burning a list of things I wanted to release recently, I noticed that as my paper burned, it took the shape of a dragon! Dragon energy is often connected to raw, divine fem power. I’m always paying attention to the signs and whispers the Universe is sending me. Recently, I had an abundance of blue jay feathers finding me out on my dog walks.

Blue Jays symbolism has much in common with Raven Spirit. Blue Jay feather meaning suggests a turnaround of some sort – things are about to get much better, so hang in there. Second, the feather represents healing. Whatever is happening you need time to restore your body, mind, and spirit. Remember the power of self-care. A Blue Jay feather’s meaning can remind you to pay attention to the subtle energies from your body and your surroundings. Thus, a Blue Jay meaning, spiritual as well as literal, can relate to your ability to sense energetic changes and prioritize self-care. Whenever you see a blue jay feather in your path or dream, know you will have that confidence and motivation to achieve your goals successfully. Blue Jay Feather meaning is always likened to positive vibes, confidence, and courage.

Another sign the Universe has been dropping on me regularly these past couple of weeks has been 11:14 or 11:41

1141: Your guardian angels are encouraging you to keep moving forward and to trust your intuition when it comes to important decisions. You have the power to manifest your dreams, and your angels are there to support you every step of the way.  Put your ideas into action. Trust yourself and your inner-promptings and begin that new venture or project. Your will and effort will bring about the desired results.

1114: encourages progressive change, renewal and growth and asks you to share your knowledge and wisdom with others. It also tells you that what you put your thoughts, intentions and efforts towards will reap rewards in the future.

Like it or not, the summer is over. I started writing this out in early July. Integrating and trying to understand what the rapid shift I’d gotten thrown into all means… I never expected it to take me the entire summer to digest and reflect on those intense couple weeks…. I’ve since proactively nursed my nervous system back to health, once again prioritizing my self-care practices. I got back on the wagon with acupuncture and yoga and made sure to schedule several energy healing maintenance sessions on a regular basis. I also allowed for time and space for LESS. Less doing, more resting. For me, summer is a time for sleeping in and I definitely maxed out the opportunity, and with no guilt. Now that the cold air of fall has arrived with the ushering in of September, I feel much more balanced and reset. Happily stepping back into the cold, dark mornings to rise and get myself organized before the sun rises. I love those quiet magical mornings and I’ve missed them. I feel more ready now for what is next, whatever it may be!

Yes, I am a Swiftie

I’ve recently become a Swiftie, and I’m not embarrassed to admit it! The more I’ve learned about Taylor Swift and her work, the more I’ve grown to love her! When she started the Eras tour last year I noticed all the girl mom friends of mine who went to see the show with their daughters were just as crazy to see her as their daughters were… this intrigued me and I ended up watching the Netflix Special on her called “MISS AMERICANA”. From there I really grew to really respect her as an artist and person. It’s clear she’s smart, self aware and sensitive.

I only began delving into her catalogue since February of this year after watching her video for “You Need To Calm Down”. Seeing how she advocates for the LGBTQ really warmed my heart- I cried when I first saw it even tho it’s not necessarily a tear jerker! As a mom to a transgirl, it made me even happier to see someone with this platform saying F U to the naysayers. I then started listening to her on Spotify, just letting it play… I heard the song “I did something bad” where she mentions how narcissists love her (common for empaths) and then she sang “They’re burning all the witches, even if you aren’t one…. So light me up” and I got CHILLS so bad!! I could feel the power she was channeling and was floored!

I later learned about the song Willow and her video for that where it looks like a coven of women dancing around the moon—fun fact, this tree is associated with Hecate—Queen of the Witches, goddess of the underworld connected to magic and divination. Witch isn’t a bad word- a witch is a woman in her power who can transmute energy and Taylor Swift does just that. From the snakes being thrown her way w the bs drama she had with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, where she turned it around for fuel for her Reputation album, to changing the script on London and her relationship to that city (We recorded this just prior to those shows… Travis Kelce is clearly the Divine Masculine and his performance with Taylor on stage was so symbolic and amazing. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, clearly you are not a Swiftie! Google it! Night 3 London, June 22). They both really embody the divine feminine and masculine so strongly.

Nothing prepared me tho for when she premiered her performance of “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me” from her new album in Paris back in May. This was an empowered woman, not hiding her rage and playfully playing on people’s fears/accusations of her being a witch. I ate that shit up!! Every single time I listen to or watch that song I get chills and my eyes fill with tears. She channels such power and light.

I am so happy to have found MEND WITH MERE, and her channel where she often thoughtfully discusses, analyzes and reacts to songs. I stumbled upon her page in the research that goes along w dissecting lyrics! The recent Taylor Swift album – the Tortured Poets Department- is rich with amazing and meaningful songs that really sent me down rabbit holes.

Meredith Beardmore is a psychotherapist operating a private practice, the author of Hey Addiction, Thanks for NOTHING!: A Brutally Honest Guide to Loving an Addict Without Losing Your Mind, and is also known as “Mend with Mere” from her successful YouTube Channel. She is an Ohio State University graduate with a master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. Meredith specializes in substance abuse treatment, helping family members of addicts and treating emerging adults with various issues, from identity development to depression.

I ended up messaging her one day to see if she’d join me as a guest on my podcast to discuss how Taylor Swift represents and speaks for the Divine Feminine. I was so happy that she agreed! We ended up speaking about sacred rage, how it’s necessary to feel in order to heal, we speak on intuition and how it grows after the arrival of our children. We speak about our kids on the spectrum and their heightened sensitivities, and we also touch on the oh so common narcissist and empath connection.

Watch our conversation here

Listen to the podcast audio here

How do I know if I should take Reiki?

As a spiritual business owner and Reiki Master Teacher of 10 years, I am often asked the question if taking Reiki is the right decision for someone to make. Truly of course, I can’t answer that question because the answer lies within you! However, I can help to guide and demystify what Reiki is all about and hopefully this info can help you discern if this is the next right step for you along your spiritual journey. Generally speaking, if this question has come to mind and you are reading this article- then yes, you are probably being led to take Reiki because it would benefit you (and those around you)!

WHAT IS REIKI AND WHAT DOES IT DO?

Reiki is often defined in its literal translation: “Universal Life Force Energy”. However, I like to define it as love, prayer and intention all wrapped up into one. I regularly describe a Reiki treatment to others as a supercharged nap + meditation, like a car wash for your energy field. Reiki is an amazing modality to bring into your life. It’ll ground you, offer you clarity and keep your energy light and clear.

MY REIKI JOURNEY

When I was first practicing massage nearly 25 years ago, I was told by energy sensitive clients that I was channeling energy. They said that their sessions with me felt like I was giving them Reiki. I didn’t have any experience with Reiki, so I couldn’t say. I just knew I felt energy and emotions while I worked on them, and I naturally helped to shift them. Later on down the road in 2008, I had my spiritual awakening and took many classes in Theta Healing. This modality opened me WAY up to my intuitive healing abilities, and I wanted to bridge that gap of massage and deep esoteric work for my clients. Learning Reiki felt like a good idea, so in 2010 I sought it out without ever having received a session. I just figured Reiki was somehow spiritual and people had at least heard of it! I took the class not knowing how much of an impact it would have on me, let alone that I’d eventually be teaching it to others!

IS ANY EXPERIENCE REQUIRED?

Enrolling in Reiki 1 doesn’t require anything from you, you don’t even need any experience with Reiki in order to take this class. What you do require, though, is an open mind and a willingness to learn. Perhaps you, too, find that you are sensitive to energy, identify as an empath and have always (or more recently) been drawn to healing work. Having a belief in the possibility that we can shift energy and an awareness of or trust in the divine is certainly helpful- although it’s not required. Doing this work will definitely strengthen that connection, this much I can assure you.

Taking Reiki 1 can be a life altering experience for many. It basically gives us permission to tap into our inner magic. To trust in and rely on our intuition to guide us. It opens us up to the subtle energy realms. It really is the most natural thing ever.

WHAT DO I LEARN IN REIKI 1?

In Reiki 1, we go over the history of this ancient modality (which was “re-discovered” back just around 100 years ago by Mikao Usui), we discuss the story of Usui, we learn about the chakras, the different ways our intuition communicates with us, we speak about being a sensitive person in a harsh world and ways to protect our energies to avoid burnout and depletion. We also go through an attunement, which is what brings the Reiki into your physical vehicle and allows you to channel Reiki from here on. One of the best parts of class is when you get the chance to exchange with fellow classmates, everyone gets the chance to give and to receive. This is when all the learning from the day becomes REAL. We then realize just how natural it is to tune into and channel energy in this way. Your intuition and energy sensing often become amplified post-attunement and it can be pretty wild and awe inspiring.

WHAT WOULD I DO WITH REIKI?

Integrating Reiki into your life is simple and fun. Taking Reiki can “just” be a tool for keeping oneself calm, having better sleep, helping yourself or others with pain, stress, and anxiety, never mind strengthening your connection with Spirit! It’s a wonderful boost for meditation and offers you a great way to start and end your days with peace and calm. The more you call on your innate healing abilities via Reiki, the louder your intuition will grow, and the more you will gain the confidence to trust in yourself. You don’t need to have ambitions of becoming a Reiki practitioner with a shingle hanging outside your door. You don’t even have to have any desire to practice on anyone outside of yourself. It can open up so much for those on a spiritual journey. It’s a great tool that you can’t mess up, there’s no “dark side” to it and you can’t overdo it!

REIKI IS CALLING, WILL YOU LISTEN?

I’ve been practicing Reiki since 2010 and teaching it since 2014. I’ve taught Reiki 1 to about 200 students in that time! It’s amazing, empowering work. I’ve witnessed gifts turn on instantly, I’ve experienced miracles firsthand many times over, I’ve witnessed lives change for the better. It really is awesome work and I know the world will be a better place if more people were regularly on the receiving end of Reiki. Reiki lets the light in. I hope that this article has ignited a spark in you. The world could use more love and healing and you taking Reiki can help to achieve just that!

Owner of Moon Magic Spiritual Wellness Center in Hillsdale NJ, Karen Foote, has been focused on healing work since she was introduced to massage therapy at the age of 16. Her career began with massage therapy back in 2000, and by 2002 she stepped into her role as an entrepreneur with her first business doing massage. Over the years her massage focus shifted into energy work and esoteric studies. She incorporates the metaphysical into her bodywork practice and loves assisting those on a spiritual journey, both as a practitioner and as a teacher. She offers 1:1 healing bodywork sessions along with intuitive readings, group classes, including sound healing meditations and Reiki Certification Classes. In 2021, she began the "Spiritual Seekers Podcast, Stories of a Spiritual Healer". Karen lives in Westwood NJ with her two teenagers and husband of over 20 years.

Our Trans Journey

BECOMING GRACE

From conception to the present, Grace has been quite influential in shaping who I am as a person these past 18 years or so. She is who made us parents and she’s proven to be a most powerful teacher to both my husband Greg and I.

(to listen to this as a podcast, go here)

Back in November 2004, Greg and I brought a sweet little baby into this world. We named this child of ours Gregory and raised them saying that it was okay to love anyone they want to love, but we didn’t think to raise them saying they can be whoever they want to be in the gender spectrum! Didn’t think to include that in our parental teachings as it was nearly 20 years ago and things were different back then.

Looking back we always saw and knew that Grace wasn’t a typical “boys boy”. She wasn’t aggressive, didn’t jump and tackle. She was sweet and gentle. But that didn’t equate that she was a girl to us. We were okay with her being a gentle soul. Just shy of turning 15, Gregory figured out she was Grace. Prior to that, she’d been in a bit of a funk, depressed, withdrawn, self-loathing… we figured it was just teenage hormones. In retrospect, with the knowledge we have now- we realize it was gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria is a state of severe distress or unhappiness caused by feeling that one's gender identity does not match one's sex as registered at birth.

I often mess up the pronouns, quickly fixing them as I do. And I refer to the past as both Gregory and Grace… she WAS Gregory back then, so I forgive and allow myself to refer to her as such. Presently and future wise though, it’s always Grace.

INTUITIVE CONNECTION

Grace is my biggest spiritual teacher. I had my first real undeniably powerful intuitive experience the night she was conceived! I felt the room’s walls line up with a cheering and ushering of spirit. As if all the ancestors were celebrating and welcoming her in. I knew I must’ve gotten pregnant that night. Then at 6 weeks old Grace developed thrush. I saw her white tongue as she was fussing and heard the word “THRUSH” in my head. I thought “How did I know that? Could that be what this was?” and researched it and yes, it’s what it was. I had learned about thrush when I was in massage school 5 years prior, but didn’t otherwise “know” it and definitely couldn’t recall it. But it was plopped into my consciousness via my intuition. I was amazed.

Grace didn’t behave as “regular” children do. But she was our first so we didn’t really recognize that initially... although at just a few months I may have begun to suspect it. I stupidly tried the “cry it out” method with her because I didn’t know what I was doing in regard to childrearing, ignoring my own intuitive impulses because I wasn’t yet confident in them. I did according to what I’d heard in parenting books and blogs. So we tried the cry it out method. It did NOT work for her. She had a persistence unlike anything we knew was possible, beyond what they told was normal and what to expect. It was maddening and awful. She also had a very strong energetic awareness of my company. She’d be asleep soundly in the crib as I walked away… in slow motion over several minutes… but once I stepped through the threshold of the doorway, her head would pop up. She’d feel the pull of our energetic cord stretching and was NOT okay with me leaving! I was like “is this kid psychic or something?” Yes, yes she is! lol I just didn’t know how real that was then!

AUSTISM SPECTRUM

At 2 my sister pointed out to me that Grace wasn’t quite like other kids her age (she’d had three kids ahead of me, so knew what she was talking about), I brought it up to our pediatrician who dismissed it, comforting my fears but they still nagged at me. At a “mommy and me” class that my husband brought her to while I was home nursing our 2nd child, she’d run from the kids gathered saying “no kids!”. She was excellent at sign language as a baby, was fascinated by light switches and fans, obsessed with her cat beanie babies and only played with kids when it was on her terms with her rules. Otherwise, she was content being alone, and sometimes literally just in her own world staring off. She banged her head into the wall when frustrated- we researched it. Some sources said normal, don’t worry- others said it was a red flag. It wasn’t until she was 8 that she got diagnosed as being in the autistic spectrum. (The recognition was brought on by a loving neighbor who was a pediatric OT. She helped us to connect the dots. Low tone, poor handwriting, picky eater, sensory sensitive and hyper focused on specific things). Since Grace was so high functioning, the school assured us she was fine ~ they didn’t wanna pay for special services and we didn’t have an advocate so we let it lie. She really was fine mostly. She was a good student who did what she was told, therefore didn’t make waves and wasn’t an issue for them. The specialists told us it would matter more as she got to the middle school years and social stuff at that point.

By 6th grade Grace seemed like she was struggling enough to warrant she see a therapist. We didn’t know what we were doing, we were trying our best to be supportive parents. It wasn’t totally clear if the therapy helped, but we continued with it semi-regularly for a while. She never had super best friends. She was very much fixed on her video games and books but had an easy going disposition overall. We just felt for her because her world seemed lonely.

As an 8th grader she had confidence and asked girls out, but they blew her off. She ended up w a group of friends that seemed like a fun bunch. The ringleader in that group liked to instigate her though and get her riled up. They also took advantage of her generosity (she often paid for everyone’s lunch w/ her accumulated bday money from off her dresser. I still make angry faces when I hear that jerk’s name😒). We were glad tho that she finally had some friends (we didn’t know she was being taken advantage of until later).

COMING OUT AT 15

In the summer before 9th grade Grace told me “I might be bi” and I said “okay, that just means you like people. That is totally fine!” I had no problem with that. Then a few months later in Nov 2019, Grace came out to us as trans. She later confessed she and one of her friends from that group both had an aha moment about being trans. This child hasn’t come out to their parents as far as we know, or at least not publicly. The two of them severed ties shortly after they bonded and briefly were together. She was so brave and happy to be out – one of the first things she did was buy a pink sweatshirt and a transflag pin which she wore boldly. She soon ended up losing her entire friend group after coming out. She ate lunch alone in the library to avoid them. We were grateful for covid lockdown because then she didn’t have to deal with that burden at least.

This news really felt out of nowhere to us tho back in Nov 2019. I hate to admit, but we did not receive it well. She cried to us and said “I thought you’d be happy for me?” and we said “We just don’t think that this is who you are”. Great parenting moment there. I told her how it wasn’t something I saw her as, how if I had I’d congratulate her for having figured it out, but I really thought she was misguided and that it was misplaced, like she was looking for something to fit the hole of her depression. That she was just depressed and looking for something to feel good about. I asked her “how long have you known this?” and she said “Three days!” We said “I think you need more time, maybe we need to take you to a counselor again”. So we scheduled her to see the therapist she’d been seeing on occasion for that past year or so. That therapist affirmed that yes, Grace is trans because she says so. Checks all the boxes. That wasn’t good enough for us. She referred us to a therapist who focuses on LBGTQIA+ kids. When I reached out to the new therapist, she assured me that she doesn’t talk kids into it. I was worried about her being influenced by a therapist! This was all at the beginning of 2020.

Lockdown soon happened. We were deep in the throes of all this. I’d reached out to my psychic friends and no one gave me an affirmative yes, that this was an absolute for Grace. It still felt grey to all of us. It was so hard and confusing. We tried to educate ourselves on all this. Or rather, tried to find information to support why she wasn’t trans and that it was just a phase. Grace and I had always been close, and this was hard for us. It created a block between us. I asked her why didn’t she just wanna wear girls clothes, did she really need hormones? I did offer a skirt of mine at one point to see if she wanted to try it on. She hugged me in appreciation. It was so hard to entertain this possibility tho.

As time wore on, I got more used to this as being her truth. I saw and felt her bravery in standing up for who she believed she was. I would tell her I was proud of her for holding strong, then she’d challenge me “why can’t I get on meds then?” and I’d back away saying “I can’t yet. Dad isn’t ready”. At some point I remember changing my chat thread with she and her brother from “my beautiful boys” to “my beautiful children”. Moments after I did that, she tore into my room and barreled at me with a huge hug. She felt seen and it was so genuine.

In March of 2021 (about 15 months after she came out) I brought Grace to a gender endocrinologist upon her insistence. They barely spoke with me before they sent us off with hormone blockers. I was so baffled that they didn’t have a big discussion with me. I read what the medicine did and got scared (as it’s permanent and irreversible) so Grace went along with my fears and wishes and didn’t take it out of respect for me. This drug is “spironolactone” which essentially is a testosterone blocker. (She did eventually get on it ultimately).

Meanwhile the therapist supported Grace taking on affirming actions, like buying girl clothes, acting more feminine and having us use her female name. We foolishly argued that if she really wanted us to refer to her as her, she should’ve made more of a stink about it. But the therapist -and Grace- explained that she didn’t insist, because she respected us and felt bad to insist. My husband and I were really processing all of it and concluded that we couldn't think our way through this and that we'd simply have to take it one step at a time. Immediately after this conversation and conclusion (which happened to land on Father's Day 2021) Grace came and and asked for guidance in how to shave her legs. I gave her all the pointers I had, recalling my first time shaving my own legs as a 12 years old.

It was around this time when Grace’s therapist referred us to a pediatrician who focuses on gender affirming care. I made an appointment- and admittedly wasn’t in a huge hurry. A few weeks later we met with Dr Dodson, me and Grace. She spoke with us individually and together. She told me that when boys say they are trans, it’s typically true 90% of the time, unlike girls saying they’re boys, which is a lower %. She basically just said “yeah, this is real”. I was hoping she’d collude with me and agree this was nuts. She didn’t.

ACCEPTANCE

Three days later, mid July 2021 while on vacation, I got the push to reach out to my main mentor and trusted intuitive healer and asked her “is this really real? Is Gregory really a girl?” and she replied that she was getting a yes, and cautioned that it didn’t mean that life would be easier for her once she transitions. I then pulled a card from a new deck that I’d just gotten and the card said “Acceptance” and had a pic of a gender neutral person on it. I bawled.

I’d finally come around and believed it. It took a long time for me to get there. My husband was still a little while off.

He didn’t see this path as making sense- to him it was “nonsense” , “delusional” and “not real”. I saw a parallel between his understanding as the same to his argument against me and my spirituality. He’s said the same things to me about my beliefs and I pointed this out to him (as I’m a Spiritual Intuitive Healer and he’s a skeptic atheist. These worldview and belief differences have definitely created arguments throughout our marriage!). My husband was resistant to agreeing to the meds, but after Grace’s therapist referred us to a family therapist, things shifted. We had a good session with that new therapist and she was able to offer Greg a different way of understanding this perspective. This reasoning somehow allowed him to accept to live and let live for Grace. Initially he wanted to insist Grace wait till she was 18 before she could begin HRT. He softened his approach and by Sept of 2021, two months before her 17th bday, Grace began hormones.

LEGAL NAME CHANGE AND TELLING THE FAMILY

I told both my sister and best friend about Gregory wishing to be Grace right away, and gradually told others along the way. By Nov of 2021 I told the rest of my siblings- but not my dad. I was worried about telling him. My siblings were very accepting and supportive, and they too cautioned me about telling my dad.

Grace figured out Grace would be her name on pretty much day one. She googled “most popular girl names of 2004” and came upon Grace. The “Gr” start is what led her there- plus what an awesome name and intention. By Sept of 2022 we supported Grace in officially changing her name. When she filled out her application she had the option of choosing a middle name. She brought the filled-out application to me and I saw she chose Kathryn as her middle name—as she knew that’s the name I would’ve given her if she was born with female parts. I cried when I saw that, so did she. I was so touched. Once we began addressing her with her female name (summer 2021) I had a hard time, my husband is Greg and she was Gregory since she was born. I liked the three syllables thing… so my own transitional name for her was “Graceory”. It helped ease me into this new name of hers.

In Sept of 2022 I announced Grace was Grace on Facebook and also made a podcast episode about it. I figured I should probably tell my dad at this point, in case he heard about it second hand. He blew me away with his response. He thanked me for my confidence in telling him. He also said he was impressed at how well we were handling it all. When I told him Grace’s fears of “What if Pa doesn’t love me anymore?”, my dad said “of course I still love him!” (he meant her! But we understand). It hasn’t been easy for him, as things just roll off our tongues. He came over one afternoon and greeted my kids as he always does “Hello my boys!.... uh…” It’s okay Pa, we get it. 😊 He’s doing very well, it’s hard for all of us- let alone a 77 year old conservative Catholic deacon!

CLOTHES SHOPPING & BODY IMAGE

Back in like March of 2022 a friend of mine offered to take Grace shopping for girl clothes. I hate shopping first of all, and second of all I have no fashion sense. So Grace went off to the mall with my friend and they got bags of clothes. That night I could hear Grace whistling from my bedroom (top floor) while she was washing her new clothes in the basement. I’d forgotten the joyful sounds Grace used to make when she was little. As she’s on the spectrum, she’d have little sounds and clicks w her mouth that she’d make when she was happy. I hadn’t heard them in YEARS. The whistling moved me to tears. She’s HAPPY. Soon after this she became obsessed with her weight. This is where me being a mom to a daughter all of a sudden was kinda damaging.

I didn’t raise her to be a girl. If I had, I might’ve lessened up on my own self-judgment about my weight or appearance—as moms of daughters become very cognizant of what they are imprinting on young impressionable female minds.

I didn’t think that way raising two boys! Now I suddenly have a daughter and I’m trying to subtly suggest she be more attractive, more feminine. Don’t you want your eyebrows waxed, they’re kinda thick. Why don’t you wear your hair up, it’ll look so pretty. (ugh!!!) So when she began worrying about her weight I gave her unhealthy tips that I’ve lived by as I’ve been programmed by our diet culture! I told her how my friend told me “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” and how if you’re hungry at night, just drink a glass of water and go to bed. She began taking extremes with how many calories she was consuming in a day and I praised her for how thin she was becoming (I wasn’t cognizant that she was in an unhealthy way. It’s hard being female and I commiserated with her!). When at an appointment with the gender doctor, the red flags of anorexia were pointed out to us. The doctor told Grace that her other specialty was eating disorders. She called her out on it and together we made a change. She stepped back from her unhealthy ways and began eating more, and more often, and I hid the scale (which was good for me, too). I am so grateful for the professional’s awareness in this situation. Thank goodness we got ahead of it before it became worse. I apologized to Grace for my own unhealthy ideals that are messed up from my own programming! It’s hard to be a mother of a daughter!

RELIEF, NOT GRIEF

Something that gets assumed and asked to me pretty often when people first learn about me having a transchild is “do you / did you mourn the loss of your son?” I do NOT mourn the loss of Gregory. I mourn that my child suffered. I am so sad that she was a miserable teen who was confused why she was depressed. I am so happy that Gregory figured out herself to be Grace. No grief, but rather relief!

I do not feel like I lost a son at all!  She is who she always was!

When looking at old pics, I just imagine long locks and girlie clothes. It’s who she was all along. She was pretty much genderless till age 10 anyway. It was that middle school transition into HS that was the most painful. She really hated herself- or rather her body. She absolutely hated her big, hairy male body. At first she didn’t know it was gender dysphoria… why would she? It wasn’t till she was talking w strangers online about her misery that someone suggested she might be trans, as her symptoms of her misery matched up with gender dysphoria.

So no, I do not mourn Gregory. I celebrate Grace for figuring out she was a she. For having the bravery to stand up to her parents and insist on her truth- even when we felt severely unsure.

I do have another child, a son. So if there were any squeaky chance I’d mourned the loss of a son, it wasn’t a terrible blow because I already have one.

ALLY AND ADVOCATE

Episode 83 of the Spiritual Seekers Podcast

When I first began really absorbing that Grace was trans and it wasn’t a phase, I thought “well I know where this is going. I’m going to become an active advocate, aren’t I?” I didn’t wanna become an advocate, I just wanted to keep humming along in life without having to use extra energy on things.

But I knew deep down I would become one though, because

How can you not fight for your child’s right to happiness?!

I knew our lives would be forever changed. I now wear my allyship loud and proud! I love sharing that I have a transchild. The world needs shaking up. I’m glad these kids are here now doing just that. I had no idea that the world needed a collective target for their hate tho. That came more recently and here we are- fighting the fight, bringing awareness and demanding that these marginalized kids get represented and defended in our current culture climate of hate. Recently our Board of Ed turned Florida conservative, so I found myself speaking up at their meetings, attempting to educate. I even asked Grace, if you’d had gender identity in the curriculum when you were younger (as this is a point of contention with the conservative bigots), what age would be appropriate? She answered when the kids get the sex and puberty talks, like 5th grade. This is what is happening now in our current curriculum and that is the pushback from the religious minority. I am so glad I can stand up and speak to this topic and educate others on our experience. The difference of a few years is huge in this new culture of LGBTQIA+ acceptance, inclusion, and education. I’m grateful Grace figured this out about herself when she did, but how cool if she could’ve been spared years of discomfort and confusion!

Back before I had any kids, I got my palm read. They said confused—2, maybe 3 kids? I’d only paid for one palm but she picked up my 2nd hand and looked. It was confusing to her. 2 boys and a girl? I’d had other readings after that with similar confusion, people regularly picked up on my having 2 boys and a girl. In the end I realize why- we did have 2 boys and a girl.

TODAY

And now… (June 2023) Grace is living her best life, living as her authentic self. In the spring of 2021 we allowed her to withdraw from HS and soon after she took her HS equivalency test (GED) and began our local community college as a 16 year old that fall. She excelled in college. She graduated with her associates a few short weeks ago with accolades! She got recognized for her excellence in History and received an award and scholarship! She is now 18 and will attend Rutgers in the fall as a transfer junior student. We are so proud of her! She also found love recently, too! Last year she began speaking with someone in Norway and the two of them clicked. By Nov/Dec the two of them were plotting how they can meet in person. Grace planned a trip to Norway upon her college semester completion in May to finally connect in person with her long-distance girlfriend. Her girlfriend is also a trans-girl, at a similar stage in transition. The two of them are like two peas in a pod. To see the smiles, light and love in both their eyes is just the best thing ever. I’m so glad my child is free to be who she is and I’m lucky to call her mine. Thank you for making me a better person Grace, and thank you for allowing me to share your / our story.

"Spiritual Seekers 101" - an online course

Spiritual Seekers 101, A Six Module Online Course

with Karen Foote

 When I was first on my spiritual journey, I felt very excited about all the interesting topics there were to explore- but I also was kinda confused. There were SO MANY things I was interested in, but I didn’t know what to focus my attention on first. So many shiny things to entice me! So many rabbit holes to fall down! I stumbled my way through this, sometimes lonely, path and eventually figured stuff out on my own with the help of the internet, books, and teachers. If I’d had an introductory approach to teach these basics to me in a simple and concise way, things would’ve felt less overwhelming (and I definitely would’ve felt less lonely). I’m happy to help others avoid that stumbly path with my community supported online class, “Spiritual Seekers 101”.

I am a trained bodyworker—got my massage certificate at 22 years old back in 2000 and did hands on healing work for a few years before my oldest child was born in 2004. In 2009 when my youngest was nearly two, I felt a very strong pull to be a “Spiritual Intuitive Healer”. I didn’t even fully understand what I was being called to, but I knew that was the direction for me! For the next few years I began to rapidly open up to “all things spiritual energy” by taking several different courses in energy healing and intuitive development. By 2011 I was sharing what I learned with clients and friends and began teaching workshops on these topics.

In 2019 I organized many of these foundational teachings into a 6 week online course for those newly “waking up” to the spiritual energy world. “SPIRITUAL SEEKERS 101” includes all my basic teachings from those early days that I’d wished I had! It will help you to navigate this spiritual energy stuff in a way that feels less overwhelming and more approachable. It’s an online course that you can take at your own pace, in conjunction with weekly calls to support you along your spiritual journey. We will meet and discuss over Zoom that week’s topic and connect and share with one another—you will be in an instant community of other likeminded folks who also identify as spiritual and sensitive to energy.

The six weekly topics are:

Module 1: Being an Empath

Module 2: Empath Protection (how to protect your energy)

Module 3: Introduction to the Chakras

Module 4: Crystal Basics

Module 5: Coming out of the Spiritual Closet

Module 6: Intuitive Development

This is a fun and sacred space to explore your spirituality and delve into the different energy sensitivities you have. I’ve run this class several times over the past 5 years. There’s a whole community of people who understand what you’re going through and who were also relieved to find “their people” in this class! All members are invited to join in the private Facebook Group to support one another, ask questions, watch replays, etc.

To learn more about this class go to: rebalancewithreiki.com/spiritual-seekers-101

Testimonials:

“Before I took Karen's class I was so lost and had so much fear that I wouldn't be able to find the strength in myself to become the healer and the full manifestation of myself I know that I am meant to be. Karen is such a kind and supportive spirit. I had so much fear and anxiety and found it hard to be my authentic self. Being around her energy, listening to her experiences and wisdom, connecting to everyone else in her classes and hearing their stories has been an amazing experience. I am so grateful" ~ Kelly Sites

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"Karen and her community are such a huge part of why I feel so comfortable in my own skin today. Meeting like-minded people has been such a blessing. Having this new-found courage and faith in myself gives me more purpose if my life than I ever had." ~ Jeannine Babino

Karen Foote is a Reiki Master Teacher, Massage Therapist the founder of Rebalance Reiki and Massage LLC and owner of Moon Magic, a Spiritual Wellness Center in Hillsdale NJ. Her down to Earth teaching style will keep you clear and calm as you learn all about these interesting and fun metaphysical topics! Karen also hosts a weekly podcast called Spiritual Seekers Podcast; Stories of a Spiritual Healer; you can find it on iTunes, Spotify etc.