Death, Rebirth, and lots of signs from Spirit

Early in June I recognized that I’d overextended myself. I never considered myself to be a people pleaser nor did I think I was bad with my boundaries, but evidence to the contrary revealed itself! I started out my summer overwhelmed, burned out and with a dysregulated nervous system. I’d seen a homeopath who gave me a remedy that brought all this to the forefront. It course corrected me and its effects aided in me recognizing where I’d overcommitted myself, forcing me to confront needed change. Between the homeopathic remedy and the goddess Kali, it became evident that I’d need to clear my plate in a big way to usher in whatever new energies that needed to take place. It was a transformative summer, one where I was mostly a recluse and in cocoon mode. A metamorphosis… All to rise again, a fresher, better version of myself! Sometimes I wish I was exempt from human suffering, but why be put on this planet as a human if not to get the full human experience? Hope you enjoy listening in! Be sure to check this out in the blog format – or my Instagram - to see all the many accompanying photos that go along with this story! It’s a long one! Hope you enjoy and gain something from reading! Or listen to it on my podcast; Episode 115!

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Back in early June I realized that I had unintentionally overextended and overcommitted my schedule. I felt kinda like the world closed in on me a bit. I had a taxing several weeks and was feeling overwhelmed and tired and did a mental check of the coming week to see when I could take big breath and chill. Soon after I began my mental scan, I quickly realized there was no end in sight to my overbooked schedule for the next two weeks… and at the end of that window my vacation loomed. A vacation that I knew wouldn’t be restful or relaxing. A fun adventure? Yes. Beautiful sights to see and neat nature to explore? Yes. Relaxing? No. Not so much. As the next few weeks unfolded I could feel the burn out and resentment beginning to settle in… I don’t think of myself as a people pleaser, but I’ve come to recognize that maybe I have been??  I am guilty of saying yes because I really care about and want to help people and make them happy. However, I sometimes do so to my own detriment. This truth was settling in as I was becoming aware of the physical toll that overdoing it was taking on my mind, body and spirit. I don’t think I’ve ever fully realized or experienced what a dysregulated nervous system feels like. Lucky me- lol. Now I know!

Usually I’m pretty good about self-care, but it had begun to slip. My acupuncturist moved to California in March and I never filled that void. I typically would go to acupuncture every other week for energy maintenance. I also would regularly be sure to receive Reiki often, once or twice a month. My main Reiki barter friend was on an extended visit to her family out of state… I knew I was feeling spent but couldn’t seem to manage to patch my holes in time… by the time I recognized it, it was more than a smidge too late. I was sinking. I fell into a bad pattern of bringing my phone up to bed with me- something I regularly avoid doing. It sucks to see yourself in a situation where you know better! Where you advise others on how to avoid this… and here you are. . I was even falling prey to road ragers … playing their game and throwing it right back at them. SO out of character for me, but I was just so depleted and had no grounding, and easily got swept up in the energies of others. I kind of just witnessed myself in disbelief! Like “this is not you, girl!”

A friend had reached out to me, wanting to practice a recent training where she integrates restorative yoga and reiki. This offer came “coincidentally” this same week when my burn out had begun to surface. I was so grateful and felt emotional when I walked in, recognizing “Wow, I’m a mess”. While leading the yoga portion of our session, my friend had me repeat after her “I am worthy of rest” and when I did, I surprised myself by getting choked up! She assured me that it was okay for my emotions to surface. During the Reiki aspect of our session, I drifted out and got a vision of me carrying way too much. This vision had me carrying a giant sack above my head and different words coming through, first clients and students, wife, sister, mother, friend, pets, and the house. It was just all the responsibilies and all the relationships that I carry, and it was crushing me. In the vision, the weight was so heavy that my feet sank to my knees into the Earth below. Holding it up with so much pain and tension. Quite the hearty vision!

I’d been dealing with left shoulder pain for a while at this point. This pain really lit up and hurt so much as the energy rushed there, that it woke me up from my vision! This connection between my vision of over-carrying + arm pain lighting up really helped me to pin the pain in my shoulder to my lack of balance and me over-giving and not receiving enough. I’d been getting PT for my left arm for almost a year at this point, peeling back the layers of what the origination was. Mom grief and past life healing was tied up in there, but it still persisted and I was perplexed why it hadn’t gone away yet. *I speak about my left shoulder issue in podcast episode 106.

This realization was the missing piece regarding my shoulder issue. I became aware that I needed to buttress up my boundaries. I told my BFF about my “carrying it all” vision and she said it sounded like a character in the movie Encanto who is carrying too much and people pleasing. I hadn’t seen it, so didn’t know. But after returning from vacation I finally got to watch the movie and cried during that part because it really was so spot on! Her line is “I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service… who am I if I can’t carry it all?” Whoa, do I really believe that about myself??!

So, I started out my vacation feeling extremely burnt out and bitter. Spent. So bone tired exhausted. Resentful of the people and situations that unknowingly/unintentionally took advantage of me. I was in need of a major break, but knew that this vacation was hardly a break because it required constant movement and planning. I’m always the planner, taking on full responsibility for it all. I complained to my husband about how me being so bossy can backfire!! He agrees and shrugs as he sees me going down in flames, asking how he can help. He is supportive and kind and takes action as I delegate- but it’s up to me to delegate. Sigh.

We made it to day 1 of our vacation as prepared as can be. I felt emotional on the plane, like “finally, we made it to this point!” I’m not someone who can sleep on a plane, tho… so we arrive in San Francisco, totally tired and almost immediately have to get on the road for another 3 hours of traveling to our first destination up the coast. I wished we could just stay put and ditch our other plans because I was so tired but relented to our schedule. We got a meal and some coffee, and off we went. I volunteered to drive the first 90 mins or so, as I knew when it came to mountain driving later on, I’d be recruiting my husband! My husband and son have no trouble sleeping in the car, they both pass out immediately and I just focus on the task at hand. We eventually arrived at our B&B, Joshua Grindle Inn in Mendocino, just as the sun set. Sunset was our goal because we didn’t wanna drive tight and scary coast roads in the dark! We threw down our bags, then hopped in the car to drive down closer to the edge of the coast for sunset. It felt magical and very much aligned. These experiences are why we travel!  It was gorgeous and perfect.

Soon after we went to bed - I was so jacked up and had a hard time falling asleep. I awoke earlier than both my guys and laid awake saying to myself I’d regret this because I knew how tired I was, I was just unable to relax enough to sleep. It sucked! I could tell then that my nervous system was like short-circuiting, I didn’t know quite what to do. All my tips and tricks I offer to others were falling flat for myself (i.e. breathing exercises, prayer, meditation).

Later that morning after breakfast, we walked around the downtown and I got the first of many Raven visits. They were SO BIG, just flying and walking around along the edge of the downtown area. I know Raven is a witchy sign, connected to Hecate, Queen of Witches. Right after I connected with the ravens in awe, I found one of their feathers right in my path and laughed. I picked it up and took it with me in gratitude. I didn’t fully know it’s meaning, but I soon realized it represented death and rebirth. Here’s a quick explanation of its meaning:

The Raven will show you how to walk into the dark corners of your inner conflicts buried deep within, opening the doors to the deepest power of healing to be within our grasp. Raven is assuring you of the impeding change. He brings with him the ability to bend time and space for the perfect moment at the right time. He signifies rebirth, renewal, reflection and healing. He helps the transitions and transformations move along smoothly by casting light into the darkness. The raven is persistent and will find a way to untangle the knots woven in a lifetime so that inner truths may be revealed.

When you find a black feather, you may be about to embark on a journey that leads you to a dramatic transformation that you weren’t expecting. Black is associated with the Divine feminine and the Yin principle and therefore can be associated with Goddess energy as well as the connection to deities associated with death, rebirth, transformation and the underworld.

Okay, so I may be embarking on a journey that leads me to a dramatic transformation that I wasn’t  expecting… noted.

Soon after this, we checked out of the Bed and Breakfast and ended up visiting a local lighthouse. While there, we tried out our new binoculars we’d bought for the trip. I looked over at my husband Greg using the binoculars, looking at the ocean’s horizon and saw him as a sea captain (I have seen him in that lifetime before, but never so obviously!). He looked so comfortable looking out to sea like that, it was pretty neat and affirming. It was windy and cool over at the lighthouse and both he and I got a slight sunburn on our faces but didn’t realize it till later!

We continued on our trip to our next lodging… it would be another three-hour drive. I drove the first part and was hoping to maybe sleep or doze on the second part of the drive. We arrived at a small town that we knew was our only option for dinner that evening before heading over the mountain to our final beach front destination. (We’d bought some groceries when we first landed the day before, but it wasn’t sufficient for our dinner that night). I knew this small town was gonna be underwhelming, but didn’t realize JUST how lacking it would be. We were all hungry by this point. My husband goes to great efforts to get food in me before I realize I’m hungry because he knows it’ll quickly become HIS problem once I’m hangry. LOL. I couldn’t bear to eat at any of the “fine establishments” (haha read: shit hole dumpy roadside dives) because they all seemed too gross and weird. I am so used to my cushy life in an overcrowded suburbia… I just couldn’t do it. The place we thought we’d eat at had vibes of a DQ from the 1980s mixed with gas station. We ended up at their local grocer’s and had to just grab what we could find, which wasn’t much. Angry, sad, laughing at myself defeated- I ate a gross and overprocessed, oversugared junky sad piece of a pocket pie. My husband and son insisted upon it. They demanded I get SOMETHING in me, even if it was crap since while in my snooty meltdown, I’d denied them the gas station hamburgers they were willing to consume. Hahaha, funny- not funny. All fun and games when we retell it as a story! Less fun in the moment! Lol. Going into this vacation I very accurately stated how I looked forward to the memories of the vacation and the pics from the vacation, but clearly knew the work of this vacation may be exhausting and triggering!

We eventually made it to our destination in Shelter Grove. I was so tired in the second half of that drive, but couldn’t even rest my eyes because of all the hairpin mountain road turns were making me nauseous and dizzy. By the time we arrived I felt spent, but we needed to go get dinner at one of the three restaurants this remote town had to offer (as I’d ruined the dinner option earlier, remember?). Isn’t it the worst when you know you are cranky and toxic and would best be left alone but HAVE to be around others? I try to never be in such a situation, but had no choice essentially. I was so bone deep tired. I was definitely running on fumes and had nothing of substance to offer my husband and 17 year old. Since I’d denied the gas station dinner, we were forced to go to eat at an overpriced brewery/restaurant. To cap off my misery, I didn’t even like my expensive ass dinner. I felt like a brat and just uber crank. I needed sleep ASAP and to be alone.

I fled to bed to take a nap among all this coastal gorgeousness, which I wasn’t appreciating. I had a hard time sleeping bc of the sunburn on my face that I only just realized I’d gotten from the lighthouse visit earlier in the day. I just cried, was exhausted and was wishing for sleep. As sunset approached, my husband came to gather me up so I could go watch it outside with he and Andrew. I really had no desire but didn’t wanna regret it, so pulled myself out of my toxic misery and joined them on the rocks to witness the sunset. I didn’t want my crank ass to ruin the night fully and completely.

I returned back to bed afterward and cried my eyes out and felt crazy. Got so puffy with emotion my ears even popped. I needed a good sleep. While deep in my tears, I got the message from the Goddess Kali to DO LESS for work, that my balance had gotten way off and to prioritize my self-care once again.

Kali is the Hindu goddess of death and rebirth. She expresses the dual nature of the destruction that must come before new beginnings. The old must be released for the new to enter. Let the past go, it’s time to move on! Kali is the embodiment of Mother Nature who cleanses away the old with natural storms and fires to make the ground fertile for new crops and life. She’ll push you beyond your comfort zone to reach the heights of your potential.

She was like practically yelling at me, telling me what I needed to do and what I needed to stop doing. Right then and there I canceled a work-related gathering and got hints of others that I would eventually cancel, too- I also blocked out many days of my summer work calendar so I could rest more. I recognized how my boundaries needed reinforcing. I later decided – while crying like a crazy woman to my kind, patient, supportive and loving husband – that I could not do the Redwoods trip the following day as planned because the roads were just so intense, and that we needed a day to just CHILL. He agreed, said it was our vacation and we can decide what we wanna do. We never take indulgent beachfront or poolside vacations where folks do nothing but luxuriate, but I was seriously pining for one as I was clinging to the edge of the West Coast feeling isolated, overwhelmed and so far away from home, knowing we had days of driving and activity ahead of us.

The next morning, I texted a friend about my little crying breakdown the night before. She was at my house taking care of my pets and said my oracle cards got her attention and she felt compelled to pull a card from my Goddess deck. She pulled the Kali card! It was so on point and totally confirmed what I’d been getting. So, on this 3rd day, instead of having a 2hour+ round trip to the Redwoods over harrowing mountain roads, we chose to dip in the hottub, got shitty California pizza for lunch, drove up to the first mountain peak to see the ocean view we’d quickly glanced at the day before and then visited the (underwhelming, weird and overpriced) local store, followed by takeout dinner from another local restaurant (one of three!), but that was pretty much it.

Later that evening, my son went down to climb on the rocks by the shore, and my husband and I took a short walk. Afterward we were sitting on Adirondack chairs overlooking the ocean, and I took selfie of me with sun behind me. I later noticed in the pic that behind me was a sign that read “Keep Gate Closed”. Another subtle hint from the Goddess. A message about boundaries, on top of the “death and rebirth” messages I’d been getting. When the Universe is dropping hints at us, it’s like we are getting pieces of the puzzle but have no idea what the picture will be or how it’ll make sense, but the messages were definitely redundant and not subtle but LOUD and CLEAR! lol

Soon after my selfie, I did a double take at the reeds by the shore, as I swore I saw Merlin (was a big rock and a sign- looked like his silhouette with the wizard hat, walking with a staff!). A nice reminder to pay attention to the magic. I’d also begun to see 5:55 often.

The number 555 is typically seen as a sign that a person is going to experience positive change, freedom, discovery, and growth. 5 represents change, good luck, transformation, freedom, and personal growth.  tells of significant and necessary changes happening in your life that have been Divinely inspired and guided. It is time to let go of the ‘old’ that is no longer positively serving you. Trust that they will be replaced with ‘better’. Release old doubts, fears and perceived obstacles, and if feeling any fears or confusion. major life changes are taking place in many areas of your life. Trust that these changes are for both your immediate and long-term benefit. The angels ask that you ‘go with the flow. important life changes are upon you and these changes will bring about many positive opportunities for you

Early the next morning, after breakfast at the third of three places to eat in this remote town, we drove to Founders Grove, which is a park of old Redwoods. We traversed the steep and windy mountains, grateful to have not done it twice the day before! The Redwoods were, of course, gorgeous. I also really love ferns, too. The whole place is just giant Redwoods and ferns! We climbed all over the fallen Redwood trees, they are so enormous it’s hard to comprehend. I could live in one and be so happy. It’s gotta be my favorite place on Earth. We later realized there was a rule to NOT climb on the fallen trees! We didn’t know that we weren’t supposed to, and were happy that we were ignorant of that fact prior bc it was SO MUCH FUN. We weren’t deliberately being disrespectful! It explained why other park goers wouldn’t make eye contact with me as I smiled at them from atop a fallen tree (whoops)! The weather was perfection, it was early in the day and not too crowded yet. We had great timing, because as we were leaving droves of people were just arriving. We got out just as the Sunday crowd was taking over! We had another big day of driving, about 4 hours to Sacramento where we were staying overnight along the way to Yosemite.

The ride between there, and also between Sacramento and Yosemite was super weird after a bit—we didn’t realize how remote things can be in California! We are so used to being jammed up in the Northeast! We drove through many miles of empty landscape, it was definitely a little bit unsettling!

Prior to this trip, I suspected that I had a past life in Sacramento, one where I was a madam at a brothel/saloon and worked there with Greg as a barkeep. We walked in the downtown for dinner and the whole area definitely had a familiar vibe. I can’t say I located the actual building, but later that night I looked in the mirror and felt that I saw that version of me looking back at me through the depth of my own eyes. Then as I went off to sleep, I felt guided to go back to the downtown area (astrally) and open up a portal for the lost souls who were in need of crossing over. This has become something I do, especially in the cities and hotels that I visit.

Yosemite was next on our list and we arrived in time to get a quick evening visit to Mariposa Grove with the giant sequoias. That was very special to get to witness in person, their size is hard to wrap your mind around, but when you see people in front of them that you realize JUST how enormous they are! The next morning we got up way early and headed into the park via the Tunnel and parked right there to take in those initial sights. As we got out of the car, there were Ravens greeting us with authority. It felt super special and I got a beautiful pic of one, I know he was posing for me.

I was intimidated by our Yosemite trip because I didn’t feel prepared enough for it, I’d asked my husband and son to please research too but they didn’t heed my pleas. Once through the tunnel I got super confused and had to ditch the plans I’d thought I made… we had to just roll with it (which I do prefer, but with the pressure of a park this big you risk missing things or getting lost, etc). In the end, the one trail we were most looking forward to wasn’t accessible on the days we were there! So we did the best we could with the circumstances we were given – which included extreme triple digit heat! We got up WAY early the next day to do a trail that wasn’t TOO hard or too big of time commitment (Sentinel Dome), we were still pretty hot and tired when we completed it by 10am! We went back to the hotel and started our laundry – outside the laundry room we saw yet another giant Raven and heard him making clicking/knocking sounds which was awesome (I didn’t know they made sounds like that!). If felt like another wink and nod from the Goddess. After we were done with our laundry, Greg and I went to the movies to see Inside Out 2 while Andrew stayed behind to get alone time. It was hard building in “chill time” during such a busy vacation, but I’m glad we were able to somewhat because we definitely were in need.

At one point, leaving the hotel room I spotted a white moth which I made a mental note of. I have a whole story and connection to moth… when I was about 5 years old a moth flew up my nose while sitting around the living room with my family. I reacted loudly and no one believed me. I don’t think I was someone who told tall-tales, but that is how they responded to me. I ended up crying hard about it and ultimately got a bloody nose. My mother came over to me because of my nosebleed and exclaimed “Oh there IS a moth up her nose!” and proceeded to pull the moth out. When receiving healing work from my teachers over the years, this story has come up~ a theme and fear of “not being believed/nobody believes me”. (This is something that is super relevant being married to a skeptic atheist who doesn’t believe in my work—this was a huge issue in the first years of my spiritual awakening. It’s also very likely a stowaway belief from other lifetimes of persecution). Seeing this moth felt like a connection to that aspect of me and my story. Especially with the moth being white.

As a spirit animal, the white moth represents intuition, psychic abilities, and spiritual growth. It can guide you through times of darkness and help you navigate your spiritual journey with grace and ease. Those who have the white moth as their totem animal are often sensitive, intuitive, and deeply connected to the spiritual realm. They have a strong sense of empathy and are natural healers and guides.  The white moth as a power animal brings clarity of mind, emotional healing, and protection from negative energies. It can help you tap into your inner wisdom and access higher levels of consciousness.

We were so done with mountain driving, that our next and final stop of San Francisco was a welcome relief. We are apparently fans of highway driving- it’s familiar. 😊 We chose to stay in the same hotel as our previous trip to SF in November of 2022. That trip had its own magic, you can hear all about it on episode 80 of my podcast! Our trip in 2022 ended with a big fight between me and Greg, and coming back to this hotel felt like a nice resolution to that energy. There was a couple things we didn’t get to see or do the last time, so we got to some of them this time around. We also took a trip down to my aunt’s house. The last time we saw her, she told me about a gift from my Uncle Ron (her brother in law who she witnessed cross over, receiving messages etc) that she wanted to pay forward to me. It’s called a Thangka, which is a Tibetan Buddhist painting on cotton, silk appliqué, usually depicting a Buddhist deity, scene, or mandala. My aunt also hears Spirit and said he told her (from the other side) that he wanted me to have it. It’s a depiction of a dark goddess, Kali like. Something he picked up in Nepal in the late 60s or early 70s. (You can learn about my relationship with my uncle in episode 8!). This figure is a dark goddess and fits right into this summer theme of death and rebirth!

Dark feminine energy represents the fiery, transformational side of femininity that fuels the death and rebirth cycles. The dark feminine represents the aspects of the feminine psyche that have been suppressed and repressed in our society. it is the part of us that is wild, untamed, and unapologetic. It is the part of us that is angry, fierce, seductive, and powerful. It is said to have qualities that are chaotic, destructive, and violent, but also transformational

It is suspected that the deity shown in my Thangka is Machig Labdron. Her message is that We need to bring out shadow into consciousness and access its treasures it holds rather than repressing it. No one and no single situation has the power to derail us. The power rests within us, but we have to make the darkness conscious. We need to shine light on our shadows and work through the fears. “I see the light in my own darkness. I face my ego beliefs to feel free”.

The final morning of our trip, I awoke to several text messages from a neighbor as well as my friend who was taking care of our pets. My favorite backyard tree had fallen the night before, right into our carport. This tree has been super special to me, especially since 2020 when we discovered our backyard! (haha). This Maple was so cozy and comfy, we loved hanging out beneath its shade. Before we left I even drew a heart on the fence where it was (technically on our neighbor’s side of the fence) and filled it in with reiki symbols. I didn’t know it was a final blessing!! To know that we had that to come home to further cemented the death part of the message… And of course added stress to our return!

We arrived home around 11pm that day, walked around the fallen tree in our yard with sadness and shock. Off to bed we went, when we discovered our dog had peed in our bed! We couldn’t rest our weary bodies JUST yet… So I stripped the bed and headed down to start laundry and soon discovered a GIANT beetle on its back right on top of our washer. It startled me, I collected it, and put it into a laundry cup to bring outside. My husband took a look at him and saw his legs still slowly moving! I was like “Dude!! ANOTHER death and rebirth message??” During my very first healing session with my teacher Janet, we connected to a lost magic aspect of myself. Something I’d hidden away a long time ago. While tuning into my heart in that session, I discovered a dead scarab beetle in a jar inside my heart. Upon some digging and Theta healing work, we discovered I’d put away this beetle (who represents magic) in a jar as a way to protect it... but starved it of air then killed it accidentally. We called my magic back to me and popped my scarab beetle back to life and it did a little shuffle and spin dance as it had new life breathed into it again. Such a fun story and session! I couldn’t help but think of that when I found this beetle on my washing machine. (We NEVER get beetles at home, let alone the size of this guy!! It was definitely an out of the ordinary discovery!) When I told my teacher Janet this story of my beetle on the washer and how Greg saw it moving it’s legs, she said “maybe the beetle was dead and came back to life??” Hmmm. 😊

Scarab beetle meaning: Scarab beetle totem is an ancient harbinger of magic and change.  Scarabs are a powerful symbol of new life. Scarabs were symbols of rebirth, resurrection, transformation, and growth. It was also used as a symbol of protection and good fortune. The scarab beetle was also associated with the heart, and scarab beetle amulets were sometimes placed on the heart during mummification to symbolize the heart’s importance in the afterlife. Beetle represents determination and resilience. When Beetle Spirit comes into your life, it’s time for change and transformation, so hold on tight. Beetle can offer you strength and perseverance when you get stuck in figurative mud. 

A few days after my return my vacation I attended the memorial service of a friend’s mother, followed up by meeting a friend’s brand new baby a few days after that. Literal symbolism of the death and rebirth narrative. I kept wondering to myself “What is dying about me? And what is being reborn?” One thing that dawned on me li ke “duh!” was calling out my role as mom. Both my kids are practically adults now—my oldest had an accelerated college path and she’s 2 classes away from getting her Bachelors! She will be 20 in November and plans to move to Norway as soon as she can find a job there, so she can live with her long distance girlfriend. My youngest is starting off his senior year in HS. Who am I if not MOM? I mean, I’ll always be their mom, but the full-time commitment of mom obligations is waning and I am definitely feeling it. I am also sort of adapting to my body, as I can’t drop weight like I’ve had in the past! I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of my kitchen window the other night and it struck me how much I looked like my paternal grandmother! Gotta love my body as it’s changing- and recognizing that my love for myself needs to be unconditional. I never thought it was conditional, but when you feel young, fit and attractive, it’s easy to feel love when you look in the mirror! So this is challenging me in a different way, but I am adapting, accepting and allowing these changes with as much as open heart as I can muster.

I cocooned in these early weeks of summer, fully committing to the Taylor Swift album “Folklore” and just feeling all the feels. Sleeping late, giving myself grace and permission to rest and take it easy. I also eventually decided to remove a few more things off my calendar, unloading some of the weight of what I’d been carrying. It felt good, even if it meant disappointing some folks. I haven’t been stopped by my left arm/shoulder pain since Kali shouted in my tear soaked ears and I began offloading my calendar! So amazing. I love the body/mind connection! But still, I wanted to understand more of what all those messages being shouted at me meant.

Soon after coming home, I set up a session with Janet because I was eager to start peeling back all the layers of what led to my burned out state. She scanned my energy and saw that I was still (unknowingly) carrying so many of my clients and students in my field. She asked why do you feel you need to carry all these people? What’s the purpose? As is required with theta healing, you just answer intuitively before logic steps in. I answered without thought, “It validates my existence!” Whoa. How about no—how about we change that?! And where did that come from? She heard “Because I snuck in”… my soul apparently felt guilty or obligated to justify my existence bc I slipped in as an unplanned pregnancy to my parents! There are stories that we tell ourselves and stories that we sub/unconsciously believe. Identifying and releasing such false narratives opens up space for new and better beliefs to come and take their place! We got the new belief to be “I am divinely meant to be!”

It's been a heck of a summer, from recovering from this crazy burnout that I experienced, to trying to identify all the many aspects of what is dying within me and my business, and what needs to be brought into the new. I still had a lingering belief in there that “I am bad because I connect to Spirit”. I can’t believe somewhere in me I still felt that way! I saw a few weeks into it that the death and rebirth message was pretty universal astrologically, that I wasn’t alone in noticing and experiencing this! We all went through it in our own unique ways, but it was definitely a summer of metamorphosis. I later learned that there was a tough aspect astrologically, specifically hitting Taurus and Scorpio extra hard (I’m a Taurus).It had to do with Mars and Uranus. The message being about breaking free from self imposed limitations while fueling the desire for change. To shed all that’s no longer authentic to our being! How about that?

Back in mid August I wanted to host a Full Moon Circle but wasn’t sure if I was healed enough to hold space for others. I waited to the last minute to decide- I’d felt that the wound/chasm in my energy field finally felt healed enough, like the first layer of skin had finally stretched between both edges and was firm enough to hold others… but barely! I’m glad I hosted it tho, because it gave voice to all gathered our shared common experiences this summer.

I am unsure what is coming, but that cocoon time was vital to create the necessary structure for me to stand strong and face what’s next. All I know is that the Divine Feminine has grown even louder in her support for me, and my understandings of her have deepened. In burning a list of things I wanted to release recently, I noticed that as my paper burned, it took the shape of a dragon! Dragon energy is often connected to raw, divine fem power. I’m always paying attention to the signs and whispers the Universe is sending me. Recently, I had an abundance of blue jay feathers finding me out on my dog walks.

Blue Jays symbolism has much in common with Raven Spirit. Blue Jay feather meaning suggests a turnaround of some sort – things are about to get much better, so hang in there. Second, the feather represents healing. Whatever is happening you need time to restore your body, mind, and spirit. Remember the power of self-care. A Blue Jay feather’s meaning can remind you to pay attention to the subtle energies from your body and your surroundings. Thus, a Blue Jay meaning, spiritual as well as literal, can relate to your ability to sense energetic changes and prioritize self-care. Whenever you see a blue jay feather in your path or dream, know you will have that confidence and motivation to achieve your goals successfully. Blue Jay Feather meaning is always likened to positive vibes, confidence, and courage.

Another sign the Universe has been dropping on me regularly these past couple of weeks has been 11:14 or 11:41

1141: Your guardian angels are encouraging you to keep moving forward and to trust your intuition when it comes to important decisions. You have the power to manifest your dreams, and your angels are there to support you every step of the way.  Put your ideas into action. Trust yourself and your inner-promptings and begin that new venture or project. Your will and effort will bring about the desired results.

1114: encourages progressive change, renewal and growth and asks you to share your knowledge and wisdom with others. It also tells you that what you put your thoughts, intentions and efforts towards will reap rewards in the future.

Like it or not, the summer is over. I started writing this out in early July. Integrating and trying to understand what the rapid shift I’d gotten thrown into all means… I never expected it to take me the entire summer to digest and reflect on those intense couple weeks…. I’ve since proactively nursed my nervous system back to health, once again prioritizing my self-care practices. I got back on the wagon with acupuncture and yoga and made sure to schedule several energy healing maintenance sessions on a regular basis. I also allowed for time and space for LESS. Less doing, more resting. For me, summer is a time for sleeping in and I definitely maxed out the opportunity, and with no guilt. Now that the cold air of fall has arrived with the ushering in of September, I feel much more balanced and reset. Happily stepping back into the cold, dark mornings to rise and get myself organized before the sun rises. I love those quiet magical mornings and I’ve missed them. I feel more ready now for what is next, whatever it may be!